Tag Archives: Terribly flat one-liners

Report: Florida Teeming with Sleazy Bachelors Harassing Wholesome Housewives, Students

Lesbians Pool Celebrities Naked Sex

Wild Things (1998)       Directed by John McNaughton

Body Heat Movie Poster with Kathleen Turner Standing over William Hurt smoking

Body Heat (1981) Directed by Lawrence Kasdan

FLORIDA –  Miami police grapple with two painfully obvious crime cases labeled by local media outlets as Body Heat (1981) and Wild Things (1998). According to police records, these two cases bring Florida’s neo-noir problem front and center.

A perpetually wet personal injury lawyer, Ned Racine (William Hurt), and a high school counselor that drives a Jeep Wrangler, Sam Lombardo (Matt Dillon), went virtually undetected as slimeballs despite their disinclination toward wearing shirts and inability to speak to women in respectable tones.

Attorney Ned Racine reportedly told mild-mannered housewife Matty Walker (Kathleen Turner) that she “shouldn’t wear that body” and followed her to her marital home in Pine Haven on multiple occasions under the guise of “seeing her wind chimes” which was an obvious cover for stalking and possible murder.  Police refer to the well-known studies that show males under the age of 60 lack the capacity to identify wind chimes, lumping them all in together with “old lady stuff” like scented candles and birdhouses.

In the second case, high school counselor Sam Lombardo was seen driving  his low-tech meets low-brow Jeep Wrangler with student Kelly Van Ryan (Denise Richards) inside, ostensibly taking her home from high school. Especially damning reports label Lombardo as “blasting Third Eye Blind and Smash Mouth.” These offensive reports have not yet been corroborated.

Matt Dillon looks like a douche as he drops Denise Richards off at home in Wild Things

I want something else, to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby.

Detective Ray Duquette (Kevin Bacon) went on record to note that Van Ryan was so thankful for Lombardo’s kindness with the transport home that she went so far as to wash the Wrangler for Lombardo – without payment – in the course of her charity work for her cheerleading duties as a Blue Bay Buccaneer. Van Ryan gave Lombardo the “Full Service Plus” wash and even when, at the end, she found herself with no towels to dry off the vehicle, valiantly offered up her already soaking t-shirt and shorts. Sadly, she was later to have this generosity repaid with murder.

Matty Walker’s character has also been roundly lauded, primarily by neighbors in the town of Pine Haven for keeping a “lovely garden with a veritable orchestra of windchimes” as well as donating money on a weekly basis to the Pine Haven Tavern. All regulars at the Pine Haven Tavern will mourn the loss of Mrs. Walker’s presence, just handing out dollar bill after dollar bill once she finished her bourbons. “We really liked Miz Walker,” one swarthy bar patron offers, “she was somethin’ to look at, what with those all-white dresses that went total, like, see-through after an hour in this hot-ass dump. I didn’t even mind that some batshit weird atonal saxophone seemed to follow her around wherever she went.”

According to police investigations, both Lombardo and Racine live just above the poverty line and seem to funnel all of their discretionary income into douchey cars and high-waisted pants. Meanwhile, Walker and Van Ryan enjoyed comfortable upper-class lifestyles and loving relationships with the families that provided them their closets full of white linen garb and gun lockers.

Detective Duquette considers these open-and-shut cases, with both Lombardo and Racine as obvious stalkers that were in no way encouraged by the beautiful yet demure (in that femme fatale way) Walker and Van Ryan. Lombardo is facing murder charges while Racine is looking at arson. Both cases are stalled, however, at the insistent petitioning of  prosecutor Peter Lowenstein (Ted Danson) for the Racine case and high school student Suzie Toller (Neve Campbell) for Lombardo’s.

“Both Lowenstein and Toller have made exceedingly bad style choices,” Duquette opines, “and that is a sure mark of an untrustworthy source. Lowenstein is tooling around town in Junior Soprano glasses and floods. Toller won’t let go of the Craft multi-layered beaded necklace trend. Don’t even get me started on her mushroom haircut.”

Prosecutor Ted Danson reads book on couch as Peter Lowenstein in Body Heat
Obvious disreputable source.


Neve Campbell as vampy slut in Wild Things

                                                                                   And again.

**********************************************

This reporter was granted access to interview Lombardo and Racine while in their holding cells, the cells sans air-conditioning, because it wouldn’t be a Florida noir if everyone wasn’t sweating their balls off in every scene.

REPORTER: Hello gentlemen. I’ve come to discuss with you some of the more damning aspects of your cases as explained to me by HPI, the Hillbilly Police Investigators.

SAM LOMBARDO: I’m innocent! Goddamit.

REP: Fine, Mr. Lombardo, we’ll address your situation first. I see here that you secured world-famous comedian Bill Murray as your lawyer.

SM: Yes, that’s right.

REP: Can you tell me why you chose him?

SM: Based on his track record as a weatherman, a Ghostbuster, several mentally unhinged characters, his stint in the army, and then a few more repeats of the weatherman job, he seemed like the most seasoned attorney available. Plus, he had great style, what with his – seersucker suits, white fedoras, and pimp cane – which of course would heavily sway Detective Duquette’s professional opinion of the case since Murray comes across basically as a disabled pimp.

Bill Murray as Matt Dillon's lawyer in Wild Things, dressed in white pimp outfit

“You’ll watch me in anything, won’t you?”

REP: Fair enough. Now Mr. Racine, I see here that besides representing serious criminals in court you also fraternize with them in your free time? Teddy Lewis (Mickey Rourke), for example. He is a known arsonist that you kept out of lockup. Interestingly, Ms. Walker reported that her boathouse exploded after she had made it clear she no longer wanted any relations with you.

NED RACINE: The only reason – and I told Duquette this – that I hang out with Teddy is for his mind-bending song and dance performances. He is a struggling artist and has to hold all performances in his garage/apartment/bomb shelter. That is why Peter saw me exiting the premises looking especially soaking wet and sweaty the other day. Not because I had just procured a bomb and was nervous about it but because I had been joyfully grooving with Teddy as he exuberantly bopped around the shop.

REP: I see. And you both – you and Lombardo –maintain that the women in these cases – Walker and Van Ryan – were NOT perfect snowy white angels of virtue?

[Note: When visiting Walker and Van Ryan at their palatial estates this reporter was simply bowled over by the gracious manners and gleaming white teeth and clothing of these women. They were perfect hostesses at the pool parties, steak dinners, and boat rides we enjoyed at their husband’s and father’s expense. In fact, when I had had a little too much to drink, they were both equally kind enough to put me in a car and send me home. Whoops. Looks like I’m still missing my driver’s license and social security card. I’ll have Duquette get on that after the interview. But I digress.]

…and that is how, my friend, the femme fatale always gets her man. Me, in this case.

REP: Yes, yes, [clears throat, shuffles papers]. Mr. Lombardo, I see here that you enjoy driving an air boat in your free time. An air boat? Really? You should have taken a spin in Ms. Van Ryan’s yacht! Woo-baby!  And Ms. Walker really lets it out when we race down the coast in her red Ferrari.

[Both incarcerated men glare and squint contemplatively.]

REP: You know what? I just remembered. I forgot an appointment I need to be at. [Shuffles through messenger bag, finds sunblock, lovingly pats it, finds some Ferrari keys and jingles them. Reporter returns attention to incarcerated men.] “Gentlemen. It isn’t my place to pass any judgment but I have to say, it’s not looking good for you fellows.

NR: Sometimes the shit comes down so heavy I feel like I should wear a hat.

As both cases progressed, Detective Duquette dug up more damning evidence. Both Racine and Lombardo had been seen moodily smoking cigarettes while looking out windows into neon moonlight. The haunting sound of saxophones followed whenever they drove. Both had that squinty way of looking at you and wryly smiling. It was not very long before they were both locked up in the big house for their neo-noir crimes.

 INTERIOR OFFICE, REPORTER, EARLY MORNING

 Reporter stands by the window. His eyes are strangely dreamy and he is uncharacteristically drinking scotch far earlier than 5 pm. He watches Matty Walker breeze into the room.

WALKER

Morning, Angel.

There’s a copy of the Sun-Sentinel on his desk. Walker points to it, grins.

 WALKER

(mockingly)

Some men, once they get a whiff of it, they trail you like a hound.

 REPORTER

(in a queer, tight voice)

Did you lead me astray, Matty? Was I wrong?

WALKER

Your Matty’s been kicked around her whole life. And from now on, I’m kicking back.

REPORTER

(intense worry creeping into his face)

What the fuck does that mean? I printed those articles on the basis of your story. Are you telling me that you misrepresented the story?

WALKER

I don’t go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.

 REPORTER

I’m not asking you to swear on the Bible. Just tell me – did you falsify your story? Because, Jesus Matty, this article really swayed public favor. It was a miracle – right? – that the jury wasn’t moved to a new county, or state, even!

WALKER

The lie was in the way I said it, not at all in what I said. It’s my own fault if you can’t believe me now.

 REPORTER

WTF! Stop talking in riddles and just come clean on your story! Matty, we essentially put two men away on murder charges for a looong time, honey. Wait, what? Where is that saxophone music coming from?

 WALKER

Just come meet me later at my new and improved boathouse set waaay far back from the road. I’ll leave you the key to our new life there. We can go away together, I just need to settle up a few matters first with Racine’s will.

 OVER SCENE the SOUND of the corridor door knob rattling. Walker sashays to the frosted window, squints through a crack in the door. The Reporter stands, leaden-faced, entranced by his writing hand.

 WALKER

(in a flat voice)

Ted Danson is here. He brought Demetri Martin with him.

 WHEEDLY SHOUT through the DOOR

I’m an unlicensed private detective ma’am.

 REPORTER

Matty, get my gun.

Jason Schwartzman and Ted Danson in suits in Bored to Death

We are your new noir.

– Written by Kelli

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No Retreat No Surrender 2 Review: Special Guest Review by Vytautas Malesh

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Movie

A sequel? It's gotta be good!

I’ve been terribly remiss in not getting a review to the lovely ladies of Rental Rehab sooner – furthermore, I have thus far not delivered on my promise to complete the three-word-Segal-movie-trilogy by reviewing Out for Justice, though that’s coming soon.  They say once you’re in a hole, you ought to stop digging, and holding out for Out for Justice would only prolong my leave, so I had to one-up my own sense of expectation and dig a real stinker out of the cinematic crap-vault that was my adolescence. 

I knew that I would have to review a movie that not only have I not seen in nearly 10 years, but a movie I couldn’t see even if I wanted to, which I don’t. If you check the Wikipedia entry for the movie No Retreat, No Surrender 2, you’ll see that no video maker or distributor intends to release the film on Region 1 DVD, and I don’t blame them.  Neither should you.

However: the internet, like god, is capricious, cruel, and merciless.  While looking for screen captures of Cynthia Rothrock’s adorable karate boobs, I discovered that No Retreat, No Surrender 2 has been posted to Youtube under it’s alternate title “Raging Thunder” in 10 barely digestible installments by user “MartialArtsKO1.”  I guess I have him to thank, and by thank I mean track down, drown in a bathtub, swaddle in duct tape, leave by the roadside in a hefty bag, and then go party, get arrested, languish in jail for two years, say I was abused as a child, get acquitted of all charges, and then go party some more.

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Title Page

Press "A" to Start

The first No Retreat, No Surrender was a plucky 1980’s martial arts flick about a boy who had to defeat Soviet communism with karate.  Fuck you if you think I’m joking – it was the 1980’s: karate was the only weapon we had. Exhibit A: The Karate Kid, Best of the Best, American Ninja, Gymkata and, of course, Tootsie. 

The first No Retreat, No Surrender had everything you would expect: montage training sequences, a young martial artist out to avenge his father, an ebony-and-ivory friendship / training partnership à la Rocky III, Bruce Lee’s ghost, and Jean-Claude Van Motherfucking Damme.  That’s right – this was basically JCVD’s big breakout exempting the spy thriller Black Eagle, but that’s not what’s important.

What is important is that No Retreat, No Surrender 2 features none of the above.

Jack McBrayer Kenneth 30 Rock

Speaking of breakout roles, here's Jack McBrayer.

No Retreat, No Surrender 2 follows the worlds lankiest slack-jawed American around the drug-fueled sex-pits ofThailand, neatly avoiding all drugs and sex, in favor of some contrived plot about this gangster arms dealer guy who blah blah Russians yaketty yak his daughter kidnapping who-gives-a-shit. 

The first minute of the movie is just some guy screaming inThai.  He’s some sort of general guy, and there’s another army guy with him, and then a shady gangster looking guy behind them.  Think these people might be important?  The director didn’t’ – you can’t see their faces and so you have no way of knowing who anyone is.

After that there’s plane-flying stock footage, probably provided as a promotional consideration by Singapore Airways.  The plane breaks a cardinal rule of cinematography in that it is “arriving” from left to right.  Similarly, this movie breaks many rules of cinematography by even existing in the first place. 

Handy subtitles let us know that we are inBangkok.  We see the star of this movie, Scott Wylde, played by Loren Avedon.  He is conspicuously lanky for a leading man – I mean just absolutely gangly.

As Scott heads out of the airport to get a cab, the theme song, “Raging Thunder” persists.  This song is horrible.  It sounds like a porno soundtrack sung at a karaoke bar by a drunken castrato who has just been harpooned through the stomach.  The lyrics are nonsensical, the melody is bland, and the singer’s voice makes it apparent that she firstly knows how much shame she has brought to her family and second is about to kill herself over it.

Corey Yuen Director No Retreat No Surrender 2

At least now we know who to blame.

Once Scott finds a cab, hilarity ensues when Scott, the big tall lanky American, cannot squeeze into the tight confines of the motorcycle rickshaw.  Wakka wakka!

The motorcycle takes Scott to a Thai Dojo, or rather, an abandoned flea market that gets to dress up like a Thai Dojo for the day.  Inside, Cynthia Rothrock is beating the snot out of some poor boxer.  She is inexplicably rude to Scott, and tricks him into fighting another student at the gym.  Predictably, Scott mops the floor with him, and after some terrifically forced banter, Scott tells Cynthia Rothrock (I know the character has a name, I just don’t care) that he’s looking for Mack, his old teacher.

Cynthia calls Mack a “bag of foul wind,” thus confirming that this movie was made for weeaboos, by weeaboos.  It’s a fart, Cynthia – you’re trying to say “bag of farts.”  You are not Asian.  Saying “desu” on the internet will not make it otherwise.

Cynthia Rothrock No Retreat No Surrender 2

Esprit!

Regardless, this dialogue is more confusing than the Palin family tree.  Lines just come from nowhere, intertwine, fade into nothingness, and try to pass off babies as their own, and it’s only a minute long.  Scott heads off to his hotel, which is apparently also a brothel.  He’s bothered by a buck-toothed pimp – more comic relief, I’m afraid, and then flops down into his bed, which promptly breaks.  Ha ha ha – it’s funny, because he’s so big!  Big lanky American – you die, G.I!

In his hotel, Scott makes a date with his Thai girlfriend.  Don’t worry about her name – she doesn’t do anything through the whole movie.  They go to a Thai restaurant (boy I hope there’s a joke about exotic Asian cuisine in here), where she insults his clothes and then gives him sort of a cold shoulder.  She then makes all sorts of inferences about her dad being conspicuously wealthy, at which point I swear to god she says “My dad’s electronic, that’s all.”  Then the food arrives and it’s nothing but bugs, guts, lizards and testicles.  They kept me in suspense for all of 2 minutes on that one, but the payoff was worth it: comedy gold!

Scott takes girlfriend back to his hotel room, which is water-stained and plastered with torn-out centerfolds, and they turn off the lights so they can get it on and, presumably, catch a case of bed bugs. 

The scene switches to a relatively nice house, where a phone is ringing. Charlie Chan’s more offensive younger brother answers the phone, and insists on speaking English sort of.  I have no idea what he’s talking about, and he looks like a Thai John Waters, complete with creepy micro-mustache. Someone is either “there” or “dead.” 

Charlie Chan brother Thai John Waters

Horry go rightry do raundry.

Cut back to the hotel, where Scott professes to girlfriend that he enjoys putting his penis into her vagina.  She says she also enjoys this.  I’m not making this up.  Then two dudes bust in and kidnap girlfriend, then as soon as she’s gone, Scott goes on a berserker barrage and kills the two guys who stayed behind to kill him.  Good job, Scott – seems like you probably could have just turned into a homicidal maniac at any point; why wait until your girlfriend is gone?  Let’s take a moment to make some really obvious Freudian gay jokes.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

There, now that that’s out of our system, we see that girlfriend’s family has been gunned down.  There is a lot of graffiti in Thai or Vietnamese, but since I am a big fat McDonald’s G.I. Joe American, I can’t read it. I think the film makers should have known this, but regardless, there are no subtitles explaining what the scribblings on the wall mean. 

Scott gets arrested, offering the best single legal defense ever invented, to wit:  “You can’t do this to me, I’m an American!”  He demands to be read his rights, but the arresting officer says, “This isThailand- you have no rights.”  That or “Diss tire and you hand hold fights.”  I know it’s really not funny to make fun of foreigners for not being able to pronounce English words, but come on, central casting; you’re not giving me anything to work with.

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Brothel

Exhibit A

In the interrogation room, we have more unintelligible, strained, and torturous dialogue.  Scott killed two guys, remember, and so the interrogator jokes “Do you mean to tell me they were just dying for a fix?”  I had to play that scene four times before I figured it out.

On the other side of the obligatory one-way glass, some white guy with a pedophile beard is talking to the Thai guy with a John Waters mustache from earlier.  They conspire to take him toSingapore for three months until this “thing blows over.”  Scott is taken under heavy guard to an airport, where he escapes by jumping a motorcycle over some conveniently placed ramps.  Then he’s off to find his friend Mack.

At this point in Scott’s arrival in the red light district, I feel I have to point out a huge discrepancy in video quality – it’s almost like no one gave the crew permission to shoot here, and so they had to make due with pointing a VHS camcorder out a taxi cab window. 

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Scott Red Light District

Enhance...enhance...enhance...

Scott goes into a titty bar – the kind of titty bar that only exists in movies, where girls in swim suits dance to music that isn’t actually playing. Mack is arm wrestling for money upstairs.  Scott fucks with him for a minute, nearly causing him to lose, and that’s when we see that they are arm wrestling over paired gas burners – the loser is going to be barbequed.  You’re a real friend, Scott. 

Mack wins, and the loser tries to stab Mack with a broken beer bottle, at which point I’m like “Sweet, end of movie,” but then Scott jumps in and saves the day, at which point Mack says “let’s get a beer,” and I agree.  I’m on my fifth tall boy of PBR at this point – I’m not even 30 minutes into the movie.

Mack sees Scott on the news, which of course leads to the one line guaranteed to show up in every single bad action movie ever:  “Come on, you know me better than that.”  Scott doesn’t miss his cue, saying exactly that, and the pair goes off to get some dinner.

They get ambushed and fight their way through some henchmen in, to be honest, a pretty interesting and well-choreographed fight scene.  Mack finally turns one of the thug’s guns against him, and just as they learn they have to go to Cambodia, another goon throws a plastic toy hand grenade at them.  The Foley artist didn’t even try to disguise the sound – they got this prop at Kay-Bee.  Mack and Scott throw the first goon on top of the grenade, run away, and then get showered with the dude’s chunks and gore before shooting off to Mack’s warehouse.

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Scott Mack Fight

Where ya gonna find a Kay-Bee Toy Store/where ya gonna find...Kay-Bee?

Mack is an arms dealer, and he explains to Scott that Girlfriend’s dad is some big guy in world affairs.  He’s planning a coup d’état or something, and blah blah blah MacGuffin.  The VC have the girl, it’s up to Scott and Mack to get her, and Mack’s got the hardware to do it, but, there’s a twist:

Cut to: SOVIETS!  Finally this movie has something in common with its predecessor.  You don’t get much sense of just why they’re there except, per Mack’s exposition, they have some interest in assisting this upcoming coup – but we do see that girlfriend is being held prisoner.  In one of the more memorable scenes, a guard feeds her some rice gruel through a long tube that I swear to god is even less sexy than it sounds.

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Torture

Oh yeah, take it all baby.

Like all good atavistic weeaboos, Scott finds a crossbow and starts fiddling with it. Mack suggests that Scott give up on Girlfriend and “find a new playmate,” but Scott is undeterred.  Mack and Scott hash out a plan and dress up like soldiers.  Scott, no shit, ties a red band around his head like Rambo. 

They get ready to depart when they discover that they are surrounded by a bunch of police who by way of a bullhorn demand that they surrender.  I think.  He might also have said “Coal hut wiff your man cup” – no way of knowing for sure.  Mack and Scott run through the jungle, the cops apparently having forgotten how to fire their rifles, and Mack and Scott catch a nearby helicopter piloted by, SURPRISE AGAIN:  Cynthia Rothrock. 

Cynthia Rothrock No Retreat No Surrender

Supplies!

Cynthia and Mack exchange some Han-and-Leia banter while Scott scratches his head and, in true bad movie fashion, demands to know what’s going on.  Egads, Scott, if you figure it all out first, please tell me. 

Next, there’s a two-minute scene with John Waters Charlie Chan and some police guy, but it’s all in either Thai or Vietnamese and, again, film makers: America McDonalds Coca-Cola no-speaky.  This scene is entirely too long, but then again: bad acting is its own language – if the director’s intent was to show me how bad these actors suck, mission accomplished. I don’t even believe they’re in the same room together, let alone carrying on dialogue.  

Our trio infiltrates Cambodia and puts down in a rice paddy near a commune. No sooner do they leave the chopper than they are surrounded by guys carrying AK-47s and wearing scraps of gingham table clothes around their heads.  I think this is supposed to look like rag-tag rebel militia, but it only made me hungry for cold fried chicken. 

They’re taken to a camp.  Mack assumes that he’s buddy-buddy with the rebel leader, presumably because of some arms sales or something.  This is a shot-for-shot remake of the Bespin reunion between Han and Lando, but only about half as convincing, and also barely in English.

Mack Scott No Retreat No Surrender 2 Movie

Mack, old buddy -- good to see you! Chewbacca you still hanging out with this loser?

As Mack’s buddy tells them about the Soviet training facility at Death Mountain, we’re treated to an improbable practice scenario where ambushers shoot bulls eyes, one handed, with machine guns, while hanging from trees and then we see a guy walking with a briefcase when, holy shit – this guy pops out of the ground and shoots him in the face. It’s all obviously done for schlock-shock value, but it raises some interesting questions.  Do they just kill people who walk into their camp with briefcases?  Or was this guy a volunteer, like a sparring partner? 

Is there a whole nearby village of these guys?  Is it a prank?  Like – “hey, take this briefcase over to the training camp” (snicker).  I’m just – wow…they totally kill people for practice.  This is why we lost, people, this is why we lost.

Just as Mack and the general wrap up their negotiations, someone starts shelling the village.  I don’t know who, I don’t care who.  Scott takes some shrapnel to the arm, and I think I’m supposed to care, but I can’t be bothered. 

Around a campfire, they trio plots its next move.  Mack and Cynthia Rothrock fight some more in lieu of the doinking they so obviously want to be doing, and Scott announces that they can do whatever they like as he is going to find the camp.  Scott and Cynthia Rothrock have a laugh at Mack’s expense, and we cut to the Soviet training camp.

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Army Man

At last -- the heavy!

A helicopter touches down to much pomp and circumstance – this is the Soviet end boss.  He is presented with two captives.  In true 1980’s villain style, when he learns that one of the men is a good fighter, he offers the man a chance to fight for his freedom, but then because he is a true 1980’s villain, the soviet shoots the man and then throws him into a pit full of crocodiles. 

Mack, Scott, and Cynthia Rothrock walk through the jungle until they find a Buddhist compound.  They are treated to some stock footage of monks in saffron robes going about their daily Buddha business.  Scott is a massive weeaboo know-it-all, so he bags up all their weapons out of respect for Buddhist blah-blah something.  Mack, that scoundrel, takes back his knife.  I wonder if THAT will come in handy later!

The head monk guy offers to show them the way, and then they are ambushed in an excessively elaborate and completely ridiculous fight scene.  The monks spend a lot of time snaring the three with ropes, complete with a totally manly synchronized split routine from Mack and Scott. They get snared, they get free, they get tied up, they cut themselves free with Mack’s knife and run away, then the a bunch of Viet Kong shoot machine guns at them, blowing out their internal organs and causing them to die slowly and painfully on the filthy ground.

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Monk Fight Scene

Scott, and Mack's stunt double.

God damn it, no they don’t.  The monks are nice enough to shoot movie machine guns which never hit good guys, even when the good guys are prancing around and doing cartwheels like ninnies, which is certainly the case here. Never mind that these super-elite VC commandos were, just three scenes ago, shooting bulls-eyes with fully automatic AK-47s at distances of over 100 yards.  Now they can’t even hit the world’s lankiest American ninja.

The recover their weapons and Cynthia Rothrock makes a run for a boat.  Turns out the boat was already full of VC, who proceed to shoot about 9,000 movie bullets at Mack and Scott while Cynthia Rothrock looks on.  The VC then shoot at the boys with a movie RPG which does nothing more than set fire to the hut in which they were hiding and forces them to dive into the water. 

Mack and Scott find the real monks, along with a cache of weapons luckily labeled “Made in USSR” in English.  They free the monks and take the weapons while Cynthia Rothrock is helicoptered away to the Soviet camp.  She fights her way free of the VC that brought her to the camp, then winds up in a sparring match with the Evil Soviet Heavy. The ESH gives Cynthia Rothrock a good beating and tells her that she’ll die if she’s not more polite.

As an aside, half of this movie is Cynthia Rothrock getting kicked in the titties.

Cynthia Rothrock No Retreat No Surrender 2

It's like the female equivalent of the ding-ding.

On the other side of town, we are treated to a long, long, long over-land sequence: Mack and Scott are climbing up a mountain stream.  It’s about 4 minutes of taught rope, splashing water, Mack and Scott struggling and then, finally, near the very top of the mountain, their ropes snap and they fall hundreds of feet onto sharp rocks below.  They don’t even have time for last words before they die, and the credits roll.

God damn it – why do I keep doing this to myself?  No, we don’t see Mack and Scott gored on the rocks. Instead we get about a full minute of Thai John Waters talking to some police guy, inThai.  I think they were probably just figuring out what they were going to order for lunch.  Thai John Waters walks away, and one of those VC guys pops up out of a sewer and shoots him in the chest – his life as nonsensical as his death. 

Thai John Waters No Retreat No Surrender 2

What's Thai for "I should have paid my SAG dues?"

Cynthia Rothrock is being interrogated by the Evil Soviet Heavy.  She goes into some sarcastic song-and-dance, trying to get his goat, when the ESH brings girlfriend into the room and tells both of the girls they’re going to die because girlfriend’s father left the country.  Oh no – a villain I don’t fear is going to kill heroes I don’t care about!

Mack and Scott scope out the Soviet camp from the top of a rocky hill and hatch a hasty plan.  That night, while Russians dance around a roasting pig, Cynthia Rothrock and Girlfriend compare plot exposition as they wait to be executed.  Scott sneaks up and stabs a dude through the heart – for a naive farm boy from Indiana, Scott has really taken a shine to murder.

Mack rings up some impossibly complicated booby traps using M-60 machine guns, wire, and beer cans.  The ambush is set, and apparently nobody notices the dead guard that Scott murdered.

The Evil Soviet Heavy dangles Cynthia Rothrock and Girlfriend over the crocodile pit, counter-balanced by sandbags, which one of the VC then shoots a hole through.  It’s actually a pretty ingenious death / torture, exactly the kind of thing I’d think the writer of this insufferable movie would think up.

 

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Airplane

No, please, take me instead.

Mack’s trap, it turns out, involves some remote-operated M-60 machine guns, which Scott sets off with some counterweight blah-blah-blah.  Alas the VC did not know that Mack and Scott ALSO have movie machine guns, and so despite not being aimed, or manned, or stabilized in any way shape or form, every bullet manages to hit a bad guy.  Furthermore, these are movie bad-guys, who cannot wait to do things like abandon cover, stand together in tight groups near hand grenades, or shuffle single-file into an explosive-rigged building.

I know, I’m a gun guy – but this is unconvincing if you’ve never even seen a shooting range… I digress.

More explosions, more guns, Scott zip-lines into camp, Mack gets both the girls out of the crocodile pit, gets shot in the process, and then Cynthia Rothrock shoots a guy in the head.  It’s about what you’d expect.

Scott shoots a crossbow bolt at a bunch of dudes, and there is an explosion. They aren’t even trying to not insult my intelligence at this point.  It’s like they decided: hey, if you watched this far into the movie, fuck you, you deserve it. What are you going to do, call us and complain?  You’re obviously only still watching because you can’t figure out the numbers on your remote control. 

Scott, at last thinking he’ll be reunited with Girlfriend, runs to join his friends.  Evil Soviet Heavy has other plans and tries to shoot him with a compact submachine gun, but Cynthia Rothrock jumps in front of Scott, unsurprisingly getting shot – yep, right in the cans. 

Cynthia Rothrock Dies

Did I lie? I did not lie.

 So exit Cynthia Rothrock.  Scott fights the big bad evil Russian guy in a long and drawn out fight sequence.  Scott is obviously overmatched despite his awesome Midwestern Tae Kwon Do education, but he manages to get a few lucky breaks, and ultimately kills the heavy by throwing a Soviet flag over his head, tying a rope around the guy’s neck, and dragging him with a jeep into the crocodile pit. 

Mack tells Scott that Cynthia Rothrock is dead.  The survivors walk away, and the US Government nukes the site from orbit, killing them all in a brilliant flash of light.

God damn it.

No Retreat No Surrender 2 End Fight Scene

That. Just. Happened. Did it blow your mind?

 

AFTERTHOUGHTS:

The producers want Mack to be Han Solo soooo badly.  He calls Scott “farmboy” and “kid,” and he even has this sort of hang-dog pout-slash-sneer thing that suggests he’s really riffing on Harrison Ford. It’s endearing to a point, but mostly you sort of wish someone would just stab him through the lungs.  Or, since I’m the one watching this, me.

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Harrison Ford

I got a bad feeling about this.

I studied Tae Kwon Do in a Midwestern dojang for ten years – they didn’t teach us any of the deadly shit Scott seems to know.  I got ten years of learning how to believe in myself, try hard, stay off drugs, and not be a quitter.  Scott’s not doing Tae Kwon Do – Scott is doing some sort of super deadly murder fighting that they only teach inFort Wayne. 

No Retreat No Surrender 2 Karate Kid

I got my black belt and also a Ninja Turtles pizza party.

Cynthia Rothrock may not be much of an actress, but she’s the only good thing about this movie.  Her lines might not make any sense, but she is plucky and cute and she’ll just kick your heart out.  In fact, it was looking for pictures of Cynthia Rothrock that started this whole thing, so it may as well be the thing that finishes it. 

Cynthia Rothrock 105 pounds of spunky blonde death

105 pounds of spunky blonde death.

I lied – here’s the phone scene with Thai John Waters Charlie Chan.

Written by Vytautas Malesh

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Filed under Awesome Action, Bad Foreign Romance, Bad Movies, Guest Review: Vytautas Malesh, Insulting to the Military, U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A!

Megan Fox Loses Role in “Transformers 3” Movie Because She ‘Just Doesn’t Have That Megan Fox Look’

June 16, 2011

LOS ANGELES— A disgruntled Megan Fox told reporters Thursday that she was “totally disappointed” to find out that she had been turned down for the lead female role of Carly Miller in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon because she “just didn’t have that Megan Fox look anymore.” “I know that I had a little work done on my brows, nose, lips, eyes, cheeks, and boobs but those were all required maintenance for a 25-year-old,” a sort of frowning Fox said. “The rest of the all-star cast from Transformers 2 was rehired  — Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, and John Turturro — they need a hot leading lady to laugh at all their jokes about robot ballsacks.”    

Director Michael Bay weighed in on the matter via skype, “Megan’s a great girl, but I just really needed someone with that Megan Fox look. You know, the sexy siren with the pillowy lips and youthful face. I’m not looking to cast a 40-year-old with a great surgeon as our heroine. If I wanted that, I would have called Cameron Diaz.” At press time Megan Fox was reportedly auditioning for a role in House of Wax II.

 

Before After Megan Fox Plastic Surgery

Written by Kelli

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The Rental Rehab Thanksgiving Throwdown

Thanksgiving throwdown

Like March Madness, but in November and with no basketball.

Happy “Day Before 4-Day Weekend”/Bird Carcass Day! Here’s a fun way to kill 30 seconds of productivity as you prepare for a long weekend away from the office*:

*My original plan for a holiday post involved a screening of Thankskilling, a low-budget horror flick about a foul-mouthed homicidal turkey. Despite a hilariously wanton display of unnecessary female Pilgrim nudity in the very first frame, Thankskilling tanks the moment the malformed turkey puppet lurches into the shot, opens his mouth and lets loose with the eye-roll-inducing Jersey-tinged insults. It simply wasn’t worth the effort, and I’ll watch anything (seriously, Kelli and I watched The Human Centipede; also now available on instant Netflix).

-Rental Rehab post by Tricia

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MacGyver Monday – The Gauntlet

MacGyver

Peeky, peeky...

Episode: “The Gauntlet,” season 1, ep. 4

Original air date: Oct. 21, 1985

Mullet Status: In the earliest stages of being. Overshadowed by his female love interest’s poodle perm.

Opening Gambit:

This week’s opening sequence is brought to you by the people who believe that “They” want to build a “mosque” on “Ground Zero,” as Mac outwits a group of Middle Eastern (presumed) terrorists to retrieve a map of the U.S. affixed with sticky notes (presumably) identifying locations for (presumed) attacks.

middle eastern man stereotype

"That looks like that dasterdly MacGyver! After him. Where is my camel? Abdul, bring the belly dancers. We must capture him."

Our All-American hero deftly sneaks past a turbaned man seen wrestling with a camel and steals laundry from a woman dressed in a jilbab before outrunning the locals–who communicate in a series of throaty, spittle-filled yells–before making his escape on a hot air balloon. The only thing missing was a belly dancer serving a platter of hummous. Why don’t  “them Arabs” just shoot at the balloon as Mac makes his painfully slow getaway? Well, they do. Once. And then they watch as Mac shimmies up the ropes and fixes the hole in the balloon by duct-taping the map over it.

The entirety of the sequence–all 9 long minutes of it–MacGyver gives a running monologue dedicated to his love of cartography.

Plot Synopsis: Next, it’s on to Anywhere,  Central America, where the natives’ dark facial hair, ruthless guerrilla soldiers and animalistic sexual urges make an ideal target of MacGyver’s tiresome brand of xenophobia.

Macyguver Kate Gauntlet

"What do you mean, 'when is the sexy love interest going to show up'?"

An American publisher sends Mac into the jungle to fetch spitfire photojournalist Kate–a “frisky friend,” according to IMDB.com–and bring her home safely to the United States and away from those mongrels “down there.” Things get complicated when Kate insists on one final mission; get photos of a secret weapons exchange between the corrupt local general and an American arms dealer. Mac accompanies her and, obviously, they are captured. After a quick escape, they are on the lam and making a run for the Mexican border in order to turn the photographic evidence over to the proper authorities. And also, to get some nachos.

Outmatched Opponent(s): MacGyver’s old nemesis, Dave Ryerson (John Vernon). A grossly inefficient arms dealer with crooked sunglasses and a jaunty white Panama, Dave is easily outsmarted at every turn, but does a mildly convincing job of acting as though he “rather enjoys this little game of cat and mouse.”

The Other

kate and macgyver gauntlet

"Look, Kate. This 'sex' thing would be a whole lot easier for both of us if you put this MacGyver mask on for the duration."

Love Interest: After sharing a dinner of roasted lizard around a crackling campfire, fugitives Mac and Kate get down to something approximating business in the least erotic foreplay ever captured on film. When Mac goes in for the “kiss”–a dry, closed-mouth affair–his face is that of a man who has been asked to give his grandmother a tongue bath. One can only imagine that as he robotically moved his body atop this human woman, Mac went to his “happy place” and thought of his true fantasy lover –

Maps.

Tools of the Trade:

– In what amounts to either lazy writing or a budgetary shortage in props, Mac devises a good portion of his projects using camera straps and camera bag straps taken from Kate.

-A compact from Kate’s purse, used to create a para-scope that Mac uses to – you know what? This is just too stupid to explain.

-Plastique (“silly putty with a bang”) and a camera wire to create a bomb “distraction.”

barrel bombs macguver gauntlet

Blammo!

-More “distractions” in the form of barrel bombs (wooden barrels filled with gas) and other debris rolled down a hill to the still-as-statues Central American army henchmen. This allows Kate and Mac to hide in another barrel that rolls into the river where they dodge 100s of bullets to make their escape to Mexico.

Quotable Quotes:

– “It’s been said the best company you can have is a map.” – Mac

– “The great thing about a map is it can get you in and out of a place in many different ways.” – Mac

– “It just goes to show; a good map will always get you where you want to go.” – Mac

– “Have you met my friend Jackson? Andrew Jackson?” – Mac as he uses a $20 bill to bribe three Central American police officers out of raping a young woman in the open street.

– “You know, you could stand to lose a few pounds,” MacGyver to Kate as he carries her toward a group of opposition guards. When, moments later, Kate clocks a soldier and knocks him unconscious, the pair of runaways share a tender moment, which Mac cuts short by grabbing Kate, putting her in a headlock and giving her a noogie. Dipshit.

– “It’s time to get this party started!” – MacGyver before launching his plan of attack.

Mexican Stereotype

Hola! Welcome to Meh-he-co, senor! Si! Ole! Etc.!

– “Welcome to Meh-he-co, do you have anything to declare?” – A Mexican border guard in sombrero, atop a burro, as Mac and Kate emerge from the river that divides Mexico and Somewhere In Central America.

Important Life Lessons:

If MacGyver takes your atlas into the bathroom for a few minutes to “inspect it where the light is better,” let him keep it. The pages are just going to be stuck together, anyhow.

Rental Rehab review by Tricia


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Retooling a “Timeless” Formula– The Last Boy Scout Review

Bruce Willis of The Expendables in Last Boy Scout With Damon Wayons

We come together, cause opposites, attract.

1.5/4 stars

The following is a fictional recounting of a meeting between the parties involved with the making of the 1991 crap fest, The Last Boy Scout, starring The Expendables’ Bruce Willis*. All dialogue is a creation of the Rental Rehab reviewer’s imagination. Views expressed belong solely to the reviewer and should be read only by people who have imbibed the better part of a six pack.

Warner Bros. Executive (with a thick, Texas drawl): OK. So tell me about the plot of this again?

Writer 1: Well, sir, it’s a story of two cops—one of them played by Bruce Willis and the other played by someone who is not Bruce Willis.

Producer: We were thinking one of the Wayons brothers.

Writer 1: They’re forced to work together, even though they don’t really want to. And stay with me, cause it gets a little zany here, but they’re nothing alike. They’re polar opposites. For instance, one of them is really into classical music and sushi, but the other one…

Writer 2:  He’s totally a metal head and he’s got this sweet axe that he always busts out when he’s chasing a bad guy and he’ll just start shredding, like, a monster riff, which will kind of lull the bad guys—they’re all those really dumb henchmen who kind of wait around for the good guy to make a move—into letting him kick their asses.

Writer 1: Yeah. And, so, they’re forced to work together, as we said. But here’s the thing, not only are they partners, but they’ve also been framed for—

Exec: Stop right there. It’s 1991, people aren’t going to pay to see another mismatched buddy cop comedy. Come up with something else.

(Writer 1 and Writer 2 exchange a nervous glance and shuffle some papers around, murmuring to one another.)

Writer 1: Well, we could make one of them an alcoholic who lives on a beach or a houseboat or something.

Exec: Stinker! What else you got?

Buddy Cop Turner and Hooch Last Boy Scout

Look, I had a really fun time last night, but I don't want things to be weird with us around the office now, so...

Writer 2: What if one of them was a dog?

Exec: Next!

Writer 1: (getting panicky): Shit….what about a romance writer and an adventurer?

Exec: Jesus Christ. An adventurer? Are you fucking shitting me? Make one of them a disgraced former Secret Service agent turned private dick and the other one a disgraced former NFL quarterback. OK. What else?

Writer 1: Um, alright. I guess that will work. These two join forces when they are charged with trying to protect a stripper who looks a lot like a young Halle Berry with a mushroom haircut. The guys meet for the first time at Halle’s strip club. Eddie Griffin works the wheels of steel at the joint, it’s all really edgy, you’re gonna love it.

Exec: Does she show her tits?

Writer 2: Well, no. But it will be your standard garden-variety strip club scene, so there will be gratuitous flashing of breasts.

Writer 1: Oh yeah, and don’t forget about that hot tub scene earlier in the film. I think we could probably get some boobies in there, too.

Writer 2: Now, it’s important to note that even though Ms. Berry is playing a stripper, this is really a nice girl we’re talking about here.

Halle Berry Oscar Last Boy Scout

The mere inclusion of this image is in and of itself snarky enough to slide by without comment.

Writer 1: Yeah. Real heart of gold. I mean, she gets blown to absolute smithereens within the first 15 minutes of the film, so fuck all if it matters, but she wears chaps. So that’s pretty cool.

Exec.: (shaking head): Alright. What else?

Writer 2: Well, Bruce Willis’ character has a really rough home life. Like, this very contentious relationship with his wife. She’s cheating on him with his fat best friend, even though he has a nasty fucking mustache. And his daughter is all “Dad; you’re dumb.” Really drives home just how alone this man is in the world, you know?

Producer: I’ve been wanting to ask you about his relationship with the two women in his life. They seem a little hateful to me. I mean, here’s a guy that saved the President at one point, right?

Writer 1 and Writer 2 nod emphatically

Producer: Well, then, why does the wife always refer to him as a fuck up? I mean, I know it was Carter, but that seems a little extreme.

Writer 2: He, uh….(shuffling papers)he has an alcohol problem?

(Everyone at table murmuring and nodding in agreement)

Producer: Wow. I think that will be really powerful. But here’s the other thing. The daughter is old enough to be wearing makeup, right? Bruce is talking about how she’ll probably get pregnant soon. So why does she play with this stuffed cat hand puppet and carry it everywhere she goes? Isn’t she maybe too old for that, to the point where it’s a little unsettling, like she’s one of those creepy dead-eyed children you always find in shitty psychological thrillers? Couldn’t that potentially turn audiences off?

Writer 2: She’s sassy. And strong willed…? Quirky? (trails off)

Producer (nodding): Good, good. I think this girl’s character will really resonate with the ‘tween audience.

Texting tweens

Like, OMG. Nvr Google Image srch "tweens." Am now deeply disturbed and worried 'bout FBI raiding house. 'Net infiltrated w/ pervs. Lol.

Exec: What the fuck is a ‘tween?

Producer: It’s—well, it’s this new industry term that I’m trying to introduce to describe the highly impressionable market that exists between children and teenage consumers. I predict that in 20 years they’ll be the most powerful buying group in the U.S. So the ‘tween refers to—

Exec: Stop talking. When do they start blowing people’s heads off?

Producer (confused): The ‘tweens, sir?

Writer 1: Well, as we promised in the initial pitch, the violence commences almost immediately. That is, after a catchy little opening sequence with some song and dance routine. We’re getting some laser effects or the like to add behind the credits. Should look real sharp.

Writer 2: And there will be cleavage of course.

Writer 1: And also, we remembered what you said about making our heroes as relatable and sympathetic as possible.

Writer 2: Yeah. Good, ol’ red-blooded, American men. Men of honor. Men who stand up for the little guy. Sure, they’re flawed, but they do the right thing when it counts.

Boy Scout Image

Ma'am, I'd like to introduce you to "the three finger salute," right after I gun down this bus filled with handicapped children and their blind puppies.

Writer 1: Exactly; our heroes are so dedicated to their self-appointed vigilante mission that they’ll go on a reckless, city-wide killing spree, splattering the blood of the guilty and the innocent  alike in a nearly ceaseless reign of terror on the streets of Los Angeles – all in the quest to protect the life of a sexually abusive political miscreant.

Writer 2: U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Exec: I’m getting all welled up just thinking ‘bout it. What about the dialogue? Here, lemme see that script again real quick.

(flips through the pages. Stops on a page, reads aloud) Dix – You don’t read much? Hallenback – My subscription to Juggs just ran out.

(flips to another page) Hallenback – Yes. There is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.

(flips through more pages) Dix – Say man, you ever play ball? You got a nice build. Hallenback – You a fag? Dix – Just trying to break the ice. Hallenback – I like ice.

This looks like a goddamed series of shitty one-liners.

Writer 1: Well….uh….

Accountant: Sir, I can explain that. Those lines were left over from the Tango and Cash shoot. I estimate the recycling saved a good $50K alone.

Producer: While we’re talking about efficiency, gentlemen, can we look at page 97 for a minute? The part just after the bad guy’s car has crashed into the Hollywood hills’ pool following intense car chase No. 3. I love that you got Art from The ‘Burbs to play the befuddled homeowner, really, I do, but I have to question Hallenback’s parenting skills when he leaves his ‘tween, I mean, pre-teen, daughter under the care of a strange man wearing a short silk bathrobe. Particularly when said man’s pool is occupied by a submerged car that contains the unconvincingly indestructible 90s villain who may or may not still be alive. I mean, I’m not certain the audience will be able to connect with his actions.

Ric Art from Burbs in Last Boy Scout

Now THEY know that WE know that THEY know that WE know that this buddy cop movie blows donkeys!

Exec: Oh, screw that. Is it true there’s a helicopter in this thing?

Writer 2: I am so glad you asked! Yes! There is.

Writer 1: And there’s some more explosions, and a glass gun case that explodes, and an exploding fireplace, and then later a house explodes, and a shoot-out, and a car chase, and another shoot-out and even a pony!

Exec: Brilliant. Sounds just like the French Fucking Connection. This piece of crap’s gonna bleed more money out of us than Bonfire of the Vanities.

Writer 2: Who shot who in the what now?

Exec: Forget it, you half-breed. What do you call this piece of shit?

Producer: I’ve been rooting for Made for Each Other. I really think audiences will connect with that message.

Writer 1: I was thinking of calling it Classic/Rock. Because separately, those two things mean something different, but together, they join forces to be something truly awesome.

Writer 2: Well, I like The Expendables, because they’re not exactly, like, at the top of anyone’s list. They’re like, expendable.

Bruce Willis 90s actor Expendables Last Boy Scout

This man dropped more bombs in the 90s than the Gulf War and NATO combined.

Exec: That’s retarded. None of those have a god-damned thing to do with the movie. Let’s call it The Last Boy Scout.

Producer: I’m a little confused as to how—

Exec: We’ll dump it in theatres the week before Christmas when everyone’s ready to blow their fucking heads off anyhow. Father of the Bride will come out a week later and everyone will forget about what a god-awful mess this was. Now get the hell out of my conference room. I have a meeting with some moron about a $75 million movie with a computer hacker that makes friends with a stranger from outer space and they choreograph martial arts montages together in order to win the heart of the popular boy and/or dance championship at school. It’s going to be fucking terrible.

Rental Rehab review by Tricia

(* While The Expendables’ movie posters feature Bruce Willis’ name prominently on the bill, IMDB.com lists his appearance as “uncredited.” The Expendables opens Aug. 13 and may or may not feature a group of rag-tag never-do-wells who overcome their differences to complete a seemingly impossible task.)

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MacGyver Monday – Every Time She Smiles

MacGuyver Hair Blowing in the Wind Cheesy

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Episode:Every Time She Smiles,” season 1, ep. 16

Original air date: Feb. 16, 1986

Mullet Status: An appropriate counterpoint to his female opposite’s ultra-coiffed beauty pageant helmet of tresses.

Plot Synopsis: It’s a tale of international intrigue when MacGyver is unwittingly pulled into an Eastern European jewel heist after his path crosses that of Penny Parker, a beautiful, bouffanted young American actress with a fast mouth and a slightly slower-than-average intellect.   

Outmatched Opponent(s): Various Bulgarians with nondescript Eastern European accents. His primary foe is Penny’s former lover, Stepan Frolov, whom MacGyver refers to sarcastically as “Steve.”

Love Interest (Y or N): Penny (Teri Hatcher) catches Mac’s eye, despite the fact that she won’t shut her high-pitched yapper long enough to let him brag about himself in full. The pair share a steamy kiss at a cafe, causing MacGyver to run abruptly from the establishment back to his hotel room, where he can participate in his ritualistic bleach cleanse and an hour of self-flagellation as penance.

MacGyver and Teri Hatcher Penny Parker

I'm sorry, we have plans that night. Mac asked me to be his date to the Purity Ball.

Penny Parker would later appear in 5 additional episodes of MacGyver and off-screen, Richard Dean Anderson and Teri Hatcher were rumored to be quite the hot item. Oh, Internet. You never fail to impress.

Car Chase? (Y or N): Y, with a bonus CAROUSEL chase for good measure

Explosion? (Y or N): Y

Exploding Car Chase? (Y or N): Y

Expository Dialogue? (Y or N): Kept to a dull roar

Awkward Zoom for Dramatic Effect? (Y or N): N

Tools of the Trade:

Coat hangers and a coat rack used to escape from an airport security holding room. (Fun fact: I’m fairly certain the metal coat rack is the same prop MacGyver can be seen nuzzling in Pete’s office in “Ugly Duckling.”)

-Needing to create a diversion that will allow Mac and Penny to escape from Stepan’s apartment, Mac mixes up a bit of “kitchen chemistry”  using a “deep cooking pot, a dash of pest control, a few measured cups of soap flakes and tile cleaner left to steep” which is then set off in an explosion by a delay-fuse comprised of a layer of lard, oven cleaner and newspaper that is left under a hose of natural gas from the stove. While the same effect could have seemingly been created by leaving a match under the hose and running out the door, that wouldn’t have been nearly as needlessly complicated.

-During a car chase, Mac leaps out of a moving car’s sunroof onto a moving tanker truck (presumably filled with water, as in addition to his many skills Mac apparently can read Bulgarian). There, he attaches a hose to the exhaust pipe because diesel exhaust is loaded with hyrdocarbons and when you mix hydrocarbons with water you get immiscible liquids, which as we ALL know means that they don’t mix, so when they are poured onto the road, it creates a “water hazard” for the cars in pursuit, which in turn leads to a fairly substantial crash/explosion. MacGyver can watch with the smug satisfaction in knowing that he once again chose the non-violent approach to problem-solving.

Quotable Quotes:

– “It’s a matter of conscience, Steve” – MacGyver, when he and Penny are threatened at gunpoint by Stepan.

– “I will try to unconfuse you.” – Stepan’s uncle to Stepan. Ha, ha, those silly Eastern Bloc-ers and their malpropisms.

– “Are you crazy?” – Stepan

“It’s been rumored.” – Mac (cue the toilet flush sound effects)

– “I have Swiss bank account number 1779.” – Stepan, sweetly believing that four digits are all the details necessary to penetrate an account in one of the banks in one of the most secure banking systems in the world.

Thank You, Captain Obvious:

“Get them!” – Bad guy with Eastern European accent as MacGyver and crew escape. (See also; every other episode for further examples of this.)

Mac Gyver All Action News Ad

And by "them", of course, we mean anyone who is easily defeated by a broken broom handle and a bit of floor wax.

Important Life Lessons:

When MacGyver loses a game of chess to an old Bulgarian man with whom he is exchanging sensitive top-secret data, Mac visibly grimaces. Later, he hangs the old man out to dry, letting him suffer capture and torture at the hands of the men who are trying to find MacGyver. What have we learned? Never let MacGyver believe that you are better than him at anything.

Rental Rehab review by Tricia


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