Category Archives: Washed-up actors

Frequent IMDB Poster Disappointed in Actress for Getting a Nose Job

Hartford, Conn., Dec. 17, 2013 — Self-proclaimed movie buff and frequent IMDB user Samuel Jones said he was disappointed this week to discover British actress Kate Winslet may have undergone a rhinoplasty at some point early in her career. The “huge film guy” — who regularly posts on the website’s message board under the screen name “BenAfleckSuxBallz” — said the revelation came as a shock and has made him question his opinion of the highly-acclaimed actress.

I really hope it isn’t true,” Jones typed into a post, he’d titled “Why Do All the Hot Actresses Ruin Themselves With Plastic Sugery?!?”

I expected more from Kate. She seems so smart and accomplished, and really down to Earth too. It’s a shame she would be so vain and bow down to Hollywood’s shallow, superficial standards. What kind of example are you setting for young women who look up to you, Kate!?????”

Jones later navigated to actress Emma Stone’s IMDB profile page, where he left a comment on her message board under the subject, “The New Lucille Ball?”:

Emma’s pretty hot and funny. But she should probably do something about that underbite.WTF.”

 

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Amanda Bynes’ Public Breakdown Affords Opportunity to Feel Better About Yourself

ANY TOWN, USA, June 21, 2013 — The continued public meltdown of actress Amanda Bynes — who starred in that one movie that you refuse to admit you saw in the theater and enjoyed enough to illegally burn to DVD at a later date — affords the perfect opportunity to feel better about yourself, sources confirmed this week. “That poor girl. Someone really ought to help her,” you mumbled as you clicked on a gossip website link titled “Naked Amanda Bynes Caught Snorting Coke Off Surface of I-5 During Rush Hour [VIDEO].” The starlet’s overt signs of mental collapse in recent months provided a fleeting moment of satisfaction with your own personal choices, according to bystander reports. “It really is disgusting how the media is taking advantage of this poor girl,” you said, as you wrote “Can you believe they printed these photos?” in the subject line of an email containing a link to a photo gallery of a semi-nude Bynes pouring ketchup on a wig and smoking crack with an ostrich. “I just don’t get why the press is exploiting her illness for their own personal gain,” you said, before looking at an 800-word photo essay titled “Amanda Bynes: 15 Shades of Crazy Bee-otch” that appeared on the home page of empowering feminist website Jezebel. “I just hope somebody will help her before it’s too late,” you said, before posting a Buzzfeed link “15 Lemurs Wearing Astronaut Pajamas” on your Facebook wall.

 

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Kurt Russell; Silent but Deadly in Soldier

Kurt Russell in Soldier

This was certainly worth devoting a year and a half of my life to.

Writer: David Webb Peoples

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson

Soldier (1998) was the most expensive film ever to be released straight to video in Great Britain, but what makes this film great is national treasure Kurt Russelll. In 90-odd minutes of running time he squeaks by with a bare 104 words of dialogue. Writer David Webb Peoples (scrivener of Bladerunner [1982], no less!) owns the distinction of creating the most laconic remake of Shane (1953) ever produced, and a movie the fan boards are still arguing about.

Cue training montage! Russell plays Todd, a man trained from infancy (1996?!) to be an emotionless killing machine. He proves his mettle in a host of battles, first on Earth and then in various extra-terrestrial locations. When the next generation of genetically modified soldiers appears, he is declared obsolete and discarded on some kind of military-themed trash planet[1] inhabited only by some scruffy British settlers and Sandra (Connie Nielsen). Cue PTSD-related flashbacks! Eventually Sargent Todd is kicked out of camp for being too intense.  But when the settlers are threatened by the very same super-soldiers that replaced him, Russell picks up his guns and straight-up murders all 20 of them, including obligatory foil Cain (a pumped-up Jason Scott Lee).

Other highlights include a back-holler-Daddy quoting Gary Busey, wearing a uniform he already had in his closet at home anyway, as well the amusing backstory that Russell broke his ankle in the first week of shooting when he tripped over an ornamental cabbage(!).

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Discovered: Wes Anderson Stole Steve Zissou from Rodney Dangerfield

Los Angeles, Ca. – Wes Anderson’s agent, Gil Rubenstein, came forth yesterday to announce that he has been part of Anderson’s scheme to re-package Rodney Dangerfield’s jokes as fodder for a quirky indie movie 7 years ago.

“My conscience can’t take it anymore,” said Rubinstein, knuckling away tears at his press-conference. “Poor Rodney’s probably rolling over in his grave and he’d be the first to tell you, he just don’t get no respect! And fucking Wes Anderson gets so much respect he’s started to wear skinny scarves almost every day,” Rubinstein said gesturing grandly for emphasis. “Every freakin’ day.”

Wes Anderson looking disheveled and wearing a pink scarf wound tightly around his neck.

Like the man said, shoot.

Rubinstein revealed that Anderson discovered Dangerfield’s comedy in college and would practice telling jokes at parties with tepid results. “He would put on his loudest checked blazer, tie his tie too loose so he could always be adjusting it, and just joke about his wife to any classmate who would listen.” He would try lines like, “Having sex with my wife is like magic, the moment I get in bed she disappears.”  Also, “I was an ugly kid. How ugly? I was so ugly my mother breast fed me through a straw.” Needless to say, Anderson didn’t quite have the rough-hewn, old-man personality — hell, the funny personality — to pull it off. It was sad to watch. It makes sense he would just have someone with boatloads of charisma do them. God, that made bank.”

When asked why he was coming forward about the deceit now, Rubinstein answered, “I noticed that a compilation of old variety shows that Rodney used to do became available on Netflix. I figured some comedy nerd kid would watch it and figure it out. I just wanted to go on record that I voluntarily gave of this information and will not cause problems with the estate of the Dangerfields.”

Exposed, a Rodney Dangerfield ABC special from 1984, was consulted for confirmation. Among the musical scenes and footage of Dangerfield doing stand-up, a sketch was discovered. In the sketch, Rodney Dangerfield appears dressed as a very unappealing merman who has been caught and placed in captivity for study by a “Jacques Closetoe” a world-famous deep sea researcher who was raised by seals.

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Life Cycle Charts for The Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down 

The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down Banner

The following are life cycle charts that outline some of the characters’ evenings on the film The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down (2007). Follow the link under each image for the chart.

You know, for some of the movie, it is difficult to believe that it was made 4 long years ago. Then they mention MySpace. Or My__.  However that silly site is trying to re-brand. Long live Friendster!

Created by Kelli 

Jonny Boys Girls Guide Getting Down
What’s that, a lunch box? You got a bologna sandwich in there? No! No I don’t got no bologna sandwich in here, this is a phone!

 Play

June Asian Boys Girls Guide Getting Down

June

Bouncer Boys Girls Guide Getting Down

Bouncer

Bryce Andy Boys Girls Guide Getting Down

Bryce.Andy

Sarah Boys Girls Guide Getting Down

Sarah

Daniel Shoegaze Makeover Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down

Daniel

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TRON: Legacy – Nothing but a shiny waste of a fanboy’s time

Olivia Wilde TRON Legacy

The fact that this is in 3D will not render you any closer to actually getting to touch a girl that looks like this.

Editor’s Note: This week, Rental Rehab welcomes guest reviewer and TRON super-mega fan Vytautas Malesh who is not wholly pleased with the Mickey Mouse approved re-imaging of his beloved childhood favorite (which hits theaters today). The review comes to us via Mr. Malesh’s always witty blog, Sardonic Shock Syndrome.

TRON: Legacy (2010)

I SAW TRON LEGACY!

and…well…

I saw it.

Really, what am I supposed to say about it?  That it was a masterfully told story that fully exploits the capabilities of the medium?  That it is a wunderkind of montage, managing to stay true to its origins while pushing the boundaries of its own mythologies?  I do not like to lie, and so I must admit that it is none of these.  It shoots for “pretty popcorn movie” and, I’m afraid, even manages to miss that mark.

A little back story here:  I love TRON.  Thanks to my friend M. Sillystring, I have an original TRON movie poster from 1982.  It is only not on my wall now because I cannot afford the solid gold, jewel-bedecked, crystal-faced frame that it deserves.  TRON completes my trinity of fanboy infatuations (right after Robotech and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).  TRON is one of the first movies I remember seeing in a movie theatre (at the Strand in Sturgis, MI – I remember it that well).

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Hot Tron Legacy Girl Olivia Wilde

And one more for good measure....

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Hello, my name is Lindsay and I am a serious actress

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Welcome to my home page. This page was made so that my legions of fans can keep updated on my many acting gigs so that they won’t miss one minute of my thespian talents.  But not this very moment because I am in rehab for the 5th time.

About Me:

My Nickname:
The Next Judi Dench

My Starsign:
Gemini: Mistress of multiple personalities (2).

 

Lindsay Lohan No Panties Car

My Hobbies:
Powdering my nose. Get it? But no, really, I like to go dancing in Los Angeles sans panties like all the other classy actresses.  That’s what guys like, right?  Because I date women, so I wouldn’t know.  I mean, yeah, I posed nude in Playboy and that wet-nude thing that Maxim does and starred in that abortion “I Know Who Killed Me” (that WON 8 Razzie awards BTW) which only netted an audience of dudes that wanted to watch me strip.  LOL. But the trick was on them because I didn’t’ actually get naked and only danced a slow-motion striptease because I couldn’t handle dancing to Whitesnake at 33 rpm.

Lindsay Lohan Samantha Ronson Airport Cute

If I had another chance at life I would still do all those things and instead of snorting all my money up my nose I would use it to buy Samantha Ronson a truckload of fedora hats and leather jackets so she would love me forever.

My Favorite color:
I like a natural red.

Character Type:

Lindsay Lohan Marilyn Monroe Yellow Flowers

Lindsay Lohan Marilyn Monroe Yellow Flowers

See! The similarities are endless! 

While most directors describe me as  ‘dumb, hot, and willing to do anything,’ I see myself more as a an elusive Marilyn Monroe type. She was a tortured soul, a beautiful girl from the country who made it big in Hollywood and had a whirlwind career and life.  Just like how I was groomed from a young age to whore myself out for money and have spent the majority of my late teens and early twenties sitting in therapy circles.  Also, I dressed as her in a photo shoot so that proves our similarity.  I talk about dying young like her too, but most everybody thinks that if I haven’t even achieved that yet, then I never will.  They’re probably right. 

Lindsay Lohan Knife Drunk Photo

Here is a pic of me acting classy, just like Marilyn.  I’m using the knife as a phallic substitute.  That’s a special sexy trick that one can only master after drinking 6 Red Bull and Vodkas and spilling most of your blow down your shirt.  This was  a great night, I met a lot of new friends and made lots of promises to show up to 5 am call times for film shoots because that is how real actresses make a living.

Kim Kardashian Lindsay Lohan Fashion
This is me and a fellow thespian, Kim, she is great at portraying characters who stare vacuously at their phone and talk about eating all the time.

Lindsay Lohan Anorexic Skinny Photo

I thought about eating once but then I changed my mind. That’s Kim’s department. Besides, eating takes time away from acting exercises like curling my hair just-so and getting arrested. 

 In that photo of Kim and me we had just finished attending a really elite Actor’s party, maybe the SAG or something.  I don’t really remember, I only got a good look at the bathrooms.  They were nice.  I’ve seen better. 

Lindsay Lohan Falling Drunk Photo

 This is my favorite photo of myself acting. I like to pretend to drink excessively and then fall in the dirt off of my towering heels.  I think it shows me being both approachable and fashionable.  If I wasn’t such a great actress, one might think I am a no-talent twat who masquerades as an actress and who is prime fodder for the next  “Housewives of Encino Valley”.  But that would never happen because I am a serious actress.

Written by Kelli

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