Category Archives: "Thriller"

Report: Florida Teeming with Sleazy Bachelors Harassing Wholesome Housewives, Students

Lesbians Pool Celebrities Naked Sex

Wild Things (1998)       Directed by John McNaughton

Body Heat Movie Poster with Kathleen Turner Standing over William Hurt smoking

Body Heat (1981) Directed by Lawrence Kasdan

FLORIDA –  Miami police grapple with two painfully obvious crime cases labeled by local media outlets as Body Heat (1981) and Wild Things (1998). According to police records, these two cases bring Florida’s neo-noir problem front and center.

A perpetually wet personal injury lawyer, Ned Racine (William Hurt), and a high school counselor that drives a Jeep Wrangler, Sam Lombardo (Matt Dillon), went virtually undetected as slimeballs despite their disinclination toward wearing shirts and inability to speak to women in respectable tones.

Attorney Ned Racine reportedly told mild-mannered housewife Matty Walker (Kathleen Turner) that she “shouldn’t wear that body” and followed her to her marital home in Pine Haven on multiple occasions under the guise of “seeing her wind chimes” which was an obvious cover for stalking and possible murder.  Police refer to the well-known studies that show males under the age of 60 lack the capacity to identify wind chimes, lumping them all in together with “old lady stuff” like scented candles and birdhouses.

In the second case, high school counselor Sam Lombardo was seen driving  his low-tech meets low-brow Jeep Wrangler with student Kelly Van Ryan (Denise Richards) inside, ostensibly taking her home from high school. Especially damning reports label Lombardo as “blasting Third Eye Blind and Smash Mouth.” These offensive reports have not yet been corroborated.

Matt Dillon looks like a douche as he drops Denise Richards off at home in Wild Things

I want something else, to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby.

Detective Ray Duquette (Kevin Bacon) went on record to note that Van Ryan was so thankful for Lombardo’s kindness with the transport home that she went so far as to wash the Wrangler for Lombardo – without payment – in the course of her charity work for her cheerleading duties as a Blue Bay Buccaneer. Van Ryan gave Lombardo the “Full Service Plus” wash and even when, at the end, she found herself with no towels to dry off the vehicle, valiantly offered up her already soaking t-shirt and shorts. Sadly, she was later to have this generosity repaid with murder.

Matty Walker’s character has also been roundly lauded, primarily by neighbors in the town of Pine Haven for keeping a “lovely garden with a veritable orchestra of windchimes” as well as donating money on a weekly basis to the Pine Haven Tavern. All regulars at the Pine Haven Tavern will mourn the loss of Mrs. Walker’s presence, just handing out dollar bill after dollar bill once she finished her bourbons. “We really liked Miz Walker,” one swarthy bar patron offers, “she was somethin’ to look at, what with those all-white dresses that went total, like, see-through after an hour in this hot-ass dump. I didn’t even mind that some batshit weird atonal saxophone seemed to follow her around wherever she went.”

According to police investigations, both Lombardo and Racine live just above the poverty line and seem to funnel all of their discretionary income into douchey cars and high-waisted pants. Meanwhile, Walker and Van Ryan enjoyed comfortable upper-class lifestyles and loving relationships with the families that provided them their closets full of white linen garb and gun lockers.

Detective Duquette considers these open-and-shut cases, with both Lombardo and Racine as obvious stalkers that were in no way encouraged by the beautiful yet demure (in that femme fatale way) Walker and Van Ryan. Lombardo is facing murder charges while Racine is looking at arson. Both cases are stalled, however, at the insistent petitioning of  prosecutor Peter Lowenstein (Ted Danson) for the Racine case and high school student Suzie Toller (Neve Campbell) for Lombardo’s.

“Both Lowenstein and Toller have made exceedingly bad style choices,” Duquette opines, “and that is a sure mark of an untrustworthy source. Lowenstein is tooling around town in Junior Soprano glasses and floods. Toller won’t let go of the Craft multi-layered beaded necklace trend. Don’t even get me started on her mushroom haircut.”

Prosecutor Ted Danson reads book on couch as Peter Lowenstein in Body Heat
Obvious disreputable source.


Neve Campbell as vampy slut in Wild Things

                                                                                   And again.

**********************************************

This reporter was granted access to interview Lombardo and Racine while in their holding cells, the cells sans air-conditioning, because it wouldn’t be a Florida noir if everyone wasn’t sweating their balls off in every scene.

REPORTER: Hello gentlemen. I’ve come to discuss with you some of the more damning aspects of your cases as explained to me by HPI, the Hillbilly Police Investigators.

SAM LOMBARDO: I’m innocent! Goddamit.

REP: Fine, Mr. Lombardo, we’ll address your situation first. I see here that you secured world-famous comedian Bill Murray as your lawyer.

SM: Yes, that’s right.

REP: Can you tell me why you chose him?

SM: Based on his track record as a weatherman, a Ghostbuster, several mentally unhinged characters, his stint in the army, and then a few more repeats of the weatherman job, he seemed like the most seasoned attorney available. Plus, he had great style, what with his – seersucker suits, white fedoras, and pimp cane – which of course would heavily sway Detective Duquette’s professional opinion of the case since Murray comes across basically as a disabled pimp.

Bill Murray as Matt Dillon's lawyer in Wild Things, dressed in white pimp outfit

“You’ll watch me in anything, won’t you?”

REP: Fair enough. Now Mr. Racine, I see here that besides representing serious criminals in court you also fraternize with them in your free time? Teddy Lewis (Mickey Rourke), for example. He is a known arsonist that you kept out of lockup. Interestingly, Ms. Walker reported that her boathouse exploded after she had made it clear she no longer wanted any relations with you.

NED RACINE: The only reason – and I told Duquette this – that I hang out with Teddy is for his mind-bending song and dance performances. He is a struggling artist and has to hold all performances in his garage/apartment/bomb shelter. That is why Peter saw me exiting the premises looking especially soaking wet and sweaty the other day. Not because I had just procured a bomb and was nervous about it but because I had been joyfully grooving with Teddy as he exuberantly bopped around the shop.

REP: I see. And you both – you and Lombardo –maintain that the women in these cases – Walker and Van Ryan – were NOT perfect snowy white angels of virtue?

[Note: When visiting Walker and Van Ryan at their palatial estates this reporter was simply bowled over by the gracious manners and gleaming white teeth and clothing of these women. They were perfect hostesses at the pool parties, steak dinners, and boat rides we enjoyed at their husband’s and father’s expense. In fact, when I had had a little too much to drink, they were both equally kind enough to put me in a car and send me home. Whoops. Looks like I’m still missing my driver’s license and social security card. I’ll have Duquette get on that after the interview. But I digress.]

…and that is how, my friend, the femme fatale always gets her man. Me, in this case.

REP: Yes, yes, [clears throat, shuffles papers]. Mr. Lombardo, I see here that you enjoy driving an air boat in your free time. An air boat? Really? You should have taken a spin in Ms. Van Ryan’s yacht! Woo-baby!  And Ms. Walker really lets it out when we race down the coast in her red Ferrari.

[Both incarcerated men glare and squint contemplatively.]

REP: You know what? I just remembered. I forgot an appointment I need to be at. [Shuffles through messenger bag, finds sunblock, lovingly pats it, finds some Ferrari keys and jingles them. Reporter returns attention to incarcerated men.] “Gentlemen. It isn’t my place to pass any judgment but I have to say, it’s not looking good for you fellows.

NR: Sometimes the shit comes down so heavy I feel like I should wear a hat.

As both cases progressed, Detective Duquette dug up more damning evidence. Both Racine and Lombardo had been seen moodily smoking cigarettes while looking out windows into neon moonlight. The haunting sound of saxophones followed whenever they drove. Both had that squinty way of looking at you and wryly smiling. It was not very long before they were both locked up in the big house for their neo-noir crimes.

 INTERIOR OFFICE, REPORTER, EARLY MORNING

 Reporter stands by the window. His eyes are strangely dreamy and he is uncharacteristically drinking scotch far earlier than 5 pm. He watches Matty Walker breeze into the room.

WALKER

Morning, Angel.

There’s a copy of the Sun-Sentinel on his desk. Walker points to it, grins.

 WALKER

(mockingly)

Some men, once they get a whiff of it, they trail you like a hound.

 REPORTER

(in a queer, tight voice)

Did you lead me astray, Matty? Was I wrong?

WALKER

Your Matty’s been kicked around her whole life. And from now on, I’m kicking back.

REPORTER

(intense worry creeping into his face)

What the fuck does that mean? I printed those articles on the basis of your story. Are you telling me that you misrepresented the story?

WALKER

I don’t go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.

 REPORTER

I’m not asking you to swear on the Bible. Just tell me – did you falsify your story? Because, Jesus Matty, this article really swayed public favor. It was a miracle – right? – that the jury wasn’t moved to a new county, or state, even!

WALKER

The lie was in the way I said it, not at all in what I said. It’s my own fault if you can’t believe me now.

 REPORTER

WTF! Stop talking in riddles and just come clean on your story! Matty, we essentially put two men away on murder charges for a looong time, honey. Wait, what? Where is that saxophone music coming from?

 WALKER

Just come meet me later at my new and improved boathouse set waaay far back from the road. I’ll leave you the key to our new life there. We can go away together, I just need to settle up a few matters first with Racine’s will.

 OVER SCENE the SOUND of the corridor door knob rattling. Walker sashays to the frosted window, squints through a crack in the door. The Reporter stands, leaden-faced, entranced by his writing hand.

 WALKER

(in a flat voice)

Ted Danson is here. He brought Demetri Martin with him.

 WHEEDLY SHOUT through the DOOR

I’m an unlicensed private detective ma’am.

 REPORTER

Matty, get my gun.

Jason Schwartzman and Ted Danson in suits in Bored to Death

We are your new noir.

– Written by Kelli

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Megan Fox Loses Role in “Transformers 3” Movie Because She ‘Just Doesn’t Have That Megan Fox Look’

June 16, 2011

LOS ANGELES— A disgruntled Megan Fox told reporters Thursday that she was “totally disappointed” to find out that she had been turned down for the lead female role of Carly Miller in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon because she “just didn’t have that Megan Fox look anymore.” “I know that I had a little work done on my brows, nose, lips, eyes, cheeks, and boobs but those were all required maintenance for a 25-year-old,” a sort of frowning Fox said. “The rest of the all-star cast from Transformers 2 was rehired  — Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, and John Turturro — they need a hot leading lady to laugh at all their jokes about robot ballsacks.”    

Director Michael Bay weighed in on the matter via skype, “Megan’s a great girl, but I just really needed someone with that Megan Fox look. You know, the sexy siren with the pillowy lips and youthful face. I’m not looking to cast a 40-year-old with a great surgeon as our heroine. If I wanted that, I would have called Cameron Diaz.” At press time Megan Fox was reportedly auditioning for a role in House of Wax II.

 

Before After Megan Fox Plastic Surgery

Written by Kelli

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4 Delightfully Crappy B&W Monster Films

Modern monster movies and creature features – unless we’re talking certain SyFy/Sci-Fi ventures – are for the most part, a denial of everything that is right with the genre. In our post-post-post modern/post-post-post ironic age, most monster movies are excessively over-the-top and self-aware, or boring as one of M. Night Shamalangadingdong’s later day travesties. At the risk of sounding like a stodgy old-timer, they did it better back in the day.

With that in mind, listed below are 4 black and white monster movies/creature features well worth your time, snark and the alcohol expenditure that is necessary when consuming such a pop culture bonbon. Come for the camp, stay for the cheese:

Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954) – The titular “gill man” falls in love with a prissy woman (grossly overdressed and under-useful for an expedition into the jungle) and attempts to snatch her from the arms of her equally prissy scientist fiance (of dubious sexual orientation) on repeated occasions as said fiance gives half-hearted chase. Highlight: Imagine a paper-mached Esther Williams doing somersaults, barrel rolls and Frankenstein arms in a murky pool on a Hollywood soundstage for roughly 70 minutes and you’ll get the idea.

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958) – Bold feminist statement or misogyny cranked all the way to 11, this wacky tale follows the destructive path of a wealthy, booze-soaked woman who feels the radioactive touch of an otherworldly stranger in the desert and sets about tracking down the traitorous philanderer who broke her heart and left her for dead. Hell hath no fury like a mutant woman scorned. Highlight: That giant, lumpy hand–complete with manicure–as it reaches unsteadily into the windows of its victims. Did studios have a run on paper-mache supplies in the ’50s, or what?

Manster (1959) – Oh, eccentric Japanese scientists, laboring away in your hidden mountainside labs experimenting in ways to cure all of humankind’s ails by splicing their genetic codes with those of apes and bats – when will you learn? An entire lair filled with caged and sad-eyed malevolent genetic mutants and you still act surprised when your latest experiment tries to hump your leg off and then beat you to death with it. Highlight: The target of the scientist’s greatest folly is an American newspaper man whose employer routinely sends him around the world to cover interesting events while footing the bill for the finest rooms, food, booze and ass money can buy, all while covering for him with the wife/fiance/incapable-female-whatever back home. When it becomes clear the journo protagonist has gone off the deep-end and has fallen off the radar, rather than chalk it up to one less pink slip to fill out this year, his editor flies halfway around the world to come to his rescue.

Zontar: The Thing from Venus (1966) – Affable space invader propaganda stressing the dangers of having a big imagination, a sense of curiosity and a lack of respect for authority (as demonstrated by spitting in the eye of nature by having an improbably hot wife when you are clearly a “brain”). A socially retarded scientist engages in clandestine satellite signal convos with Zontar, inadvertently inviting the Venusian warlord to decimate the planet, one yokel at a time. Highlight: All the intergalactic flirting unleashes a swarm–OK, swarm is a bit generous; a handful–of tiny robotic flying creatures to do Zontar’s bidding, namely rendering the dullard townsfolk into slightly more animated zombies with a mind-controlling micro-chip implanting bite to the neck. Members of the little army fly and attack actors in captivating 180 degree arcs, almost as if attached to an off-camera stick by fishing line.

By Tricia

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Hello, my name is Lindsay and I am a serious actress

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Welcome to my home page. This page was made so that my legions of fans can keep updated on my many acting gigs so that they won’t miss one minute of my thespian talents.  But not this very moment because I am in rehab for the 5th time.

About Me:

My Nickname:
The Next Judi Dench

My Starsign:
Gemini: Mistress of multiple personalities (2).

 

Lindsay Lohan No Panties Car

My Hobbies:
Powdering my nose. Get it? But no, really, I like to go dancing in Los Angeles sans panties like all the other classy actresses.  That’s what guys like, right?  Because I date women, so I wouldn’t know.  I mean, yeah, I posed nude in Playboy and that wet-nude thing that Maxim does and starred in that abortion “I Know Who Killed Me” (that WON 8 Razzie awards BTW) which only netted an audience of dudes that wanted to watch me strip.  LOL. But the trick was on them because I didn’t’ actually get naked and only danced a slow-motion striptease because I couldn’t handle dancing to Whitesnake at 33 rpm.

Lindsay Lohan Samantha Ronson Airport Cute

If I had another chance at life I would still do all those things and instead of snorting all my money up my nose I would use it to buy Samantha Ronson a truckload of fedora hats and leather jackets so she would love me forever.

My Favorite color:
I like a natural red.

Character Type:

Lindsay Lohan Marilyn Monroe Yellow Flowers

Lindsay Lohan Marilyn Monroe Yellow Flowers

See! The similarities are endless! 

While most directors describe me as  ‘dumb, hot, and willing to do anything,’ I see myself more as a an elusive Marilyn Monroe type. She was a tortured soul, a beautiful girl from the country who made it big in Hollywood and had a whirlwind career and life.  Just like how I was groomed from a young age to whore myself out for money and have spent the majority of my late teens and early twenties sitting in therapy circles.  Also, I dressed as her in a photo shoot so that proves our similarity.  I talk about dying young like her too, but most everybody thinks that if I haven’t even achieved that yet, then I never will.  They’re probably right. 

Lindsay Lohan Knife Drunk Photo

Here is a pic of me acting classy, just like Marilyn.  I’m using the knife as a phallic substitute.  That’s a special sexy trick that one can only master after drinking 6 Red Bull and Vodkas and spilling most of your blow down your shirt.  This was  a great night, I met a lot of new friends and made lots of promises to show up to 5 am call times for film shoots because that is how real actresses make a living.

Kim Kardashian Lindsay Lohan Fashion
This is me and a fellow thespian, Kim, she is great at portraying characters who stare vacuously at their phone and talk about eating all the time.

Lindsay Lohan Anorexic Skinny Photo

I thought about eating once but then I changed my mind. That’s Kim’s department. Besides, eating takes time away from acting exercises like curling my hair just-so and getting arrested. 

 In that photo of Kim and me we had just finished attending a really elite Actor’s party, maybe the SAG or something.  I don’t really remember, I only got a good look at the bathrooms.  They were nice.  I’ve seen better. 

Lindsay Lohan Falling Drunk Photo

 This is my favorite photo of myself acting. I like to pretend to drink excessively and then fall in the dirt off of my towering heels.  I think it shows me being both approachable and fashionable.  If I wasn’t such a great actress, one might think I am a no-talent twat who masquerades as an actress and who is prime fodder for the next  “Housewives of Encino Valley”.  But that would never happen because I am a serious actress.

Written by Kelli

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Roy Scheider Rolls His Eyes at Blue Thunder

Blue Thunder
1983
Director: John Badham
Writers: Dan O’Bannon, Don Jakoby, and Dean Riesner

I wish Roy Scheider was still around. When it comes to mid-level authority figures, he really set the tone for the 80s, 90s, and well into the present. Just the other night I saw The Crazies (2010), where Timothy Olyphant plays a much-put-upon small town sheriff in the middle of a turbo zombie outbreak, but what he’s really doing is channeling Roy Scheider arguing with Murray Hamilton about closing the beaches in Jaws (1975).

Timothy Olyphant

The female editors will use this as an excuse to go ahead and post an image of Timothy Olyphant.

And nobody has the same knack for giving with the sly wink to the audience, the one that says “Can you believe this shit?” If you’re like me, you saw Blue Thunder in a drive-in theater when you were 13 and the two things you remember are 1) the bad-ass machine gun and 2) tits, but you’d be wrong. No, this movie boils down to 1 hour 45 minutes of Roy Scheider rolling his eyes.

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Review of Runaway – Starring Tom Selleck, With Supporting Appearances by Mustache

Tom Selleck Runaway poster

It is the future. The not-too-distant future, but not like, next year, or something. Your clock radio has gone berserk. Caused you to stub your toe, or something equally unpleasant. Like one of those toe stubs that makes you draw in your breath and spin around for a minute in pain and--, well, you get the idea, it's very uncomfortable. Anyhow, only one mustache man can save us all.

Director: Michael Crichton

Writer: Michael Crichton

Release Date: December 14, 1984

In 1984, Tom Selleck was a bankable talent.  Magnum P.I. was 4 years into an 8-year run that saw solid fan support all the way to series end.  Lassiter, a middling remake of To Catch a Thief (1955) did pretty well at the box office.  The humiliations of Three Men and a Baby (1987) were still in the future.        Heck, Selleck had already turned down the role of Indiana Jones – clearly this icon of 80s masculinity had hitched his mustache to a star.
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The Jerry Springer Show featuring the Stars from the Film Basket Case!

Basket Case Title

You have never been so afraid of your hamper. Not even in high school.

Basket Case is a “dark comedy” (read: we blatantly use stereotypes, lo-fi effects and horrible dialogue) about a pair of separated Siamese Twins exacting revenge on the doctors who were harangued into separating them by their “evil” father. The boys were happy living shuttered away in upstate New York until dad decided he wanted one functional son rather than a mutant twosome. Their visit to the big city goes pretty much how many first-timers’ experiences go: a shitty hotel room, a little bit of sex, and some stop-action fighting. Enjoy – Kelli

Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jerry: Today’s guests are 2 brothers previously joined at the hip who now just want to kill each other. I’d like to welcome Duane to the show.

(Duane enters from backstage)

Jerry: Hello, Duane.

Basket Case Duane

When Jell-o Shots Go Awry

Duane: Hi, Jerry.

Jerry: (reading from card) So, Duane, you’re here to tell your brother something. What is it?

Duane: Well, Jerry, my brother Belial and I have always been close. We do everything together. We’re really inseparable. But once we moved to the city to massacre the squadron of doctors who separated us it has been nothing but fighting.

Jerry: What do you mean, the doctors who separated you? I thought you said you two did everything together?

Duane: Oh, we do, Jerry. It’s just that until we were 11-years old Belial was this enormous growth that protruded out of the right side of my torso. He looks kind of like one of those claymation California Raisins. Anyway, he has full use of his senses but he can only speak in garbled screams. The doctors thought it best to cut us apart so that I could live a normal life.

Jerry: I see.

Duane: But we didn’t want to be separated. So now, almost 10 years later, we’ve decided to go on a killing rampage and exact revenge on the doctors who tried to remedy our freakish existence. But everything is just falling apart.

Jerry: Why is that?

Duane: In the course of tracking down and violently murdering these 3 doctors, I’ve made friends with some nice ladyfolk and Belial keeps getting in the way, trying to take them for his own!

Crowd: Ooooohhhh!

Duane: I know! I know! Is that selfish or what? I carry him around in a very secure padlocked wicker basket day-in and day-out and feed him bagfuls of cheap burgers and raw hotdogs to satiate his bloodlust. The least he could do is let me get a little tail.

Jerry: So what do you want to tell him today?

Duane: I want to tell him that unless he gives me some alone time with the ladies, we’re going our separate ways. I can not die a virgin.

Jerry: Well, you’re going to get your chance. Here’s Belial!

Basket Case Belial

If you tell your kids that this is what boogers look like up close, they'll never pick their noses again.

(Belial drags himself onstage and stiltedly slides up to Duane)

Belial: Gaaaaarghhh!

(Belial pulls the chair out from underneath Duane. Duane falls backwards. Duane lunges at Belial but Steve the security guard pulls them apart before things can go any further.)

Belial: Gaaaarrggh!

Jerry: Can we get that “separated Siamese twin translator” in here please?

(Woman in sexy nurse uniform sashays onstage and takes a seat. Crowd wolf whistles and howls. Belial and translator confer.)

Translator: Belial is afraid that if Duane gets a girlfriend he will desert him.

Jerry: Excuse me, we have a comment from the audience.

Man in audience: I think that this fear of desertion relates directly to when Duane and Belial were 11 and Duane took most of Belial’s motor capabilities with him after the surgery, lessening his enjoyment of life. (this man who looks eerily similar to a walrus smiles at the camera) You don’t need to send out a press release to think for yourself.

Dr. Phil Walrus Similar

He's so happy because he is run by solar power.

Jerry: (squinting) Is that Dr. Phil?

(Man in audience winks and points at camera then cowers in fear.)

Jerry: Get him outta here!

(Steve and 2 other security guards tussle with Phil, eventually wrenching him from his seat.)

Dr. Phil: You don’t need zilch to skin a gopher! You don’t need to join a bank to rob the Jehovah’s Witnesses! You don’t need Cat Scratch Fever to drop and give me twenty!*

Duane: (turns to Belial) Belial, I knew how much you loved to skateboard and I felt awful after the surgery. That’s the whole reason I’m carrying you around in this basket and unleashing you on these well-meaning doctors to devour them alive. You’re just going to have to accept that you’ll never skate again, I’m sorry.

Basket Case Murder Doctor Scene

Stock in red dye and corn syrup increased dramatically during the filming of this movie.

Belial through Translator: You and your biped envy! That’s how it’s been throughout our entire relationship, Jerry. I haven’t cared about skating since the X-Games got ahold of it and turned it into some “Extreme” Mt.Dew corporate-sponsored monkey show with that troglodyte Shaun White as its ass-face.

Crowd: Booo! Booo!

Belial: You proved you’d leave me for some poon when you bought that crappy tube TV to distract me while you snuck off and went on a cheesy date to the Statue of Liberty with that receptionist, Sharon. “Ooh, let’s go walk up a million stairs and look at the city, just like we could have done at my hotel, except with an elevator.  What part of the body do you think we’re in now, heh heh?” Perv.

Basket Case Receptionist Brother

If we get cold we can just make a blanket out of your weave.

Duane: See what I have to put up with? A television is a really nice gift, especially in pre-Giuliani New York. I could have bought another kind of “set” from the guy on the corner and you wouldn’t have even noticed I’d left. (to audience) As it was, he destroyed the new TV and the hotel room in that creepy claymation stop-action way that he moves. That’s why we can’t have nice things. (takes off shoe and bounces it off of Belial’s bloated body)

Crowd: Wooooo!

Belial: Whatever! You’re no nice guy. Why don’t you tell them about how you dragged me to the bar to meet up with your “friend” the prostitute and proceeded to get sloppy drunk, forgetting me in the hallway once we got home?

Duane: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Belial: It’s true!

Jerry: We’ve got someone here who might have something to add. Bring out…Casey!

(Casey walks onstage blowing kisses and flipping her skirt up coyly. Duane and Belial continue bickering in the background.)

Jerry: Casey, you are… (reads cards) … an employee of “Disease-Free Guaranteed” or DFG Escorts, is that right?

Casey: That’s right, Jerry. We supply every customer with 3 clean certificates of health for their records. Our company is currently at 250 days with no lawsuits or accidents.

(Crowd applauds.)

Jerry: And what did you want to tell Belial today?

Casey: Jerry, today I want to tell him…

Jerry: Talk to Belial. Talk to him.

(Crowd hushes.)

Casey: Belial… I’ve loved you for a long time…

(Belial blinks in shock. His mouth hangs open, revealing malformed fangs.)

Casey: Duane, when we met at the bar and you got so wasted I had to carry you home, I thought it was no big deal. But then when I went to leave and found your brother left in the hall to fend on his own inside that flimsy wicker basket, well, I knew you just don’t care about him. But I do.

(Casey smiles at Belial who shifts uncomfortably in his seat.)

Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!

Duane: (shocked and disbelieving) Casey this is crazy. All he does is scream and throw things around. When he gets scared he hides in the toilet. Plus he has to eat raw meat everyday. Are you willing to take on these extra costs?

Basket Case Shitty Movie

Cue toilet flushing sounds.

Casey: I love him for his mind Duane. I don’t care about anything else.

Jerry: Belial, what do you have to say about this?

Belial: I guess I need to tell you both something.

(Crowd starts to whisper.)

Belial: I slept with Sharon the receptionist.

(Crowd gasps.)

Belial: And then I strangled her.

(More gasps.)

Belial: And then I kept screwing her after she was dead.

(Audience member vomits into aisle.)

Duane: (dazed) You mean that wasn’t a dream? I was running through the streets of New York naked and then found you at Sharon’s apartment rocking back-and-forth over her dead corpse in a pool of her blood? That was real?

Belial: Well, the running through the streets part naked was a dream. I have no idea why that even got any airtime except maybe to show off your huge 1980s bush. Thank god for manscaping.

(Crowd titters.)

Belial: (clears throat) But yeah, the sex and the death. That stuff was real.

Duane: But you don’t even have…

Casey: (through tears) Yes he does! (disintegrates into sobbing mess)

(Man in purple suit storms onstage.)

Pimp: That it, bitch. Get goin’. Nino Brown want to see you in 30 minutes anyway and you gotsta take a bath first. Wash yo ass.

(Casey is led offstage to catcalls and a flying pair of boxer briefs. Steve picks up the underwear, reads the name and number inscribed upon them and stuffs them in his back pocket.)

Camera pans back to Jerry shotgunning a Coors Light. He belches.

Jerry: Eye of the Tiger baby. What? What’s going on?

Jerry Springer Press Copy Photo

If I were to pen his obituary, I would definitely fit "laughing all the way to the bank" in there somewhere.

Duane: You whore!

Belial: You’re a simpering pansy! You wouldn’t have tried it with either of them. You can’t even lose your virginity when your next door neighbor is a prostitute who pays to get you hammered at a bar!

(Duane throws a chair at Belial. Belial rockets through the air and clasps his stumps around Duane’s neck. Duane unconvincingly wrestles him around the stage, attempting to make it look like an inanimate object is propelling their movement. Duane gives up and runs the both of them offstage. The crowd goes wild, slobbering and keening, trying to rip their own chairs out of the floor.)

Jerry: Okay, okay. Let’s settle down now. Where did Duane and Belial go?

(Switch to cameramen running through the back hallways of the Jerry Springer set. One runs upstairs, to the roof, and discovers Belial hanging off the Jerry Springer sign with Duane dangling from his stumpy claw. Duane is suspended by his neck.)

Cameraman: I got ‘em! I found them!

(Jerry runs up stairs to roof.)

Jerry: (peering over edge) What the [bleep]. (whirls around to face camera)

Jerry: (glances sideways) The actions taken by members of this program are not a reflection of News Corporation or its sister companies. Viewer discretion was advised. Do not try this at home…and…..uh…intended for mature audiences only.

(Belial loses his grip and both he and Duane plummet to their deaths on the cold pavement.)

Jerry: Please stay tuned for my final thought.

<Commercial break>

Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. Firstly, I realize this was an anticlimactic and abrupt end to the show. What can I say, it is just like the movie. In any event, I just want to thank all our guests for being here, and want to express my deepest condolences for Duane and Belial’s family and friends. It is a sad world where a somewhat normal young man can lose both his girlfriend and his life to a tumor with a face. I hope that you, audience, are able to work through your differences and find happiness, be it through the love of a man, a woman, a California Raisin or even to just purchase it for a few hours.

(Wild signaling from offstage.)

Jerry: (clears throat) Not that I condone prostitution. There are many fine gentlemen’s clubs around where a lonely fella can pay either an exotic dancer or a bartender to pretend to like him for as many hours as he has dollars. Amen and God bless America.

(Jerry walks offstage and Gary Busey hands him a Coors Light. They walk into the spotlight, silhouetted and fade out.)**

Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when Ghost Hunters Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson battle it out with Jennifer Love Hewitt over who has the douchiest ghost-related show on television. Tomorrow on Springer!

* These quotes were taken from http://www.mangydog.com/games/drphil.php which provides visitors with a random Dr. Phil quote generator. Thank you Mangy Dog!

** Are you interested in that stolid yet lovable friend of Jerry Springer’s, Gary Busey? Stay tuned until next week for an intoxicating review of his masterpiece, “Eye of the Tiger.”

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