Category Archives: News

Frequent IMDB Poster Disappointed in Actress for Getting a Nose Job

Hartford, Conn., Dec. 17, 2013 — Self-proclaimed movie buff and frequent IMDB user Samuel Jones said he was disappointed this week to discover British actress Kate Winslet may have undergone a rhinoplasty at some point early in her career. The “huge film guy” — who regularly posts on the website’s message board under the screen name “BenAfleckSuxBallz” — said the revelation came as a shock and has made him question his opinion of the highly-acclaimed actress.

I really hope it isn’t true,” Jones typed into a post, he’d titled “Why Do All the Hot Actresses Ruin Themselves With Plastic Sugery?!?”

I expected more from Kate. She seems so smart and accomplished, and really down to Earth too. It’s a shame she would be so vain and bow down to Hollywood’s shallow, superficial standards. What kind of example are you setting for young women who look up to you, Kate!?????”

Jones later navigated to actress Emma Stone’s IMDB profile page, where he left a comment on her message board under the subject, “The New Lucille Ball?”:

Emma’s pretty hot and funny. But she should probably do something about that underbite.WTF.”

 

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Amanda Bynes’ Public Breakdown Affords Opportunity to Feel Better About Yourself

ANY TOWN, USA, June 21, 2013 — The continued public meltdown of actress Amanda Bynes — who starred in that one movie that you refuse to admit you saw in the theater and enjoyed enough to illegally burn to DVD at a later date — affords the perfect opportunity to feel better about yourself, sources confirmed this week. “That poor girl. Someone really ought to help her,” you mumbled as you clicked on a gossip website link titled “Naked Amanda Bynes Caught Snorting Coke Off Surface of I-5 During Rush Hour [VIDEO].” The starlet’s overt signs of mental collapse in recent months provided a fleeting moment of satisfaction with your own personal choices, according to bystander reports. “It really is disgusting how the media is taking advantage of this poor girl,” you said, as you wrote “Can you believe they printed these photos?” in the subject line of an email containing a link to a photo gallery of a semi-nude Bynes pouring ketchup on a wig and smoking crack with an ostrich. “I just don’t get why the press is exploiting her illness for their own personal gain,” you said, before looking at an 800-word photo essay titled “Amanda Bynes: 15 Shades of Crazy Bee-otch” that appeared on the home page of empowering feminist website Jezebel. “I just hope somebody will help her before it’s too late,” you said, before posting a Buzzfeed link “15 Lemurs Wearing Astronaut Pajamas” on your Facebook wall.

 

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Bear Grylls Launches New Line of Bottled Water: “Drink My Piss”

October 31, 2011 | Season 1 – Episode 5

Everglades, Florida—British writer/adventurer Bear “Edward” Grylls of Man vs. Wild fame has released his own line of bottled water and it is called Drink My Piss. “This water offers the weekend warrior all the calories, protein and energy available in my piss. I make about 1-2 bottles a day, dependent upon whether I had a lot to drink the night before,” said the international television star and survival instructor. “The flavor varies by bottle and the primary taste can be anything from mostly salty to only slightly salty. Later, I will release limited edition flavors where I only eat one type of food all day. Those’ll be things like Kiwi Piss, Green Tea Pee, and Wild Turkey. I have plans to later do a line of exotic frozen dinners that reflect what I eat on the show [Man vs.Wild]. I’m thinking carpenter ant larvae, tree frogs and of course, elephant shit. Uh oh, looks like I’m ready to make another ½ bottle. Excuse me.” At press time, Grylls had sold 1 bottle to Les Stroud.

All images from Know Your Meme.

Cat walking across tundra text = "Cat door jammed. Better drink my own piss."Bear Grylls head shot with "The Sun is Going Down. Better Drink My Own Piss."

Image of Bear Grylls in tundra with "Unable to Pee. Better Drink My Own...Oh God"Bear Grylls in Snow with "Lost Super Bowl Bet. Can't Drink My Own Piss for at Least 3 Months."

Written by Kelli

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Nation Relieved when Bud Light Cruise Removes Douchebags from US for Weekend

Bud Light Port Paradise Cruise Dave Matthews Band

Crash . . . into the sea. Yeah! Baby, I will crash into youuuu.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – The nation breathes a sigh of relief this Friday as the Bud Light Port Paradise 4 Cruise departs and America’s douchebags leave the continent for the weekend.

Every summer, patrons of nightclubs, outdoor festivals, community pools and volleyball courts rejoice as the Bud Light cruise effectively rounds up every possible douchebag and sails them out to sea for a blissful 3-day-weekend. Unfortunately, there is a spike in douchebag activity directly prior to the cruise, as hopeful cruisers can win a free trip by entering [on Bud Light’s website] an in-pack code found inside packs of Bud Light.

However, once all of the douchebags have been identified and herded onto the ship, the rest of America can then drive safely on the highways and easily stow their appropriately sized luggage in the carry-on area on national flights.

“Now I can quietly read my book at the beach without having to hear catcalls from the douches on the volleyball court or try to ignore the drunk hos while they take photos of themselves rolling around in the sand,” said Elizabeth Wallace of Hollywood, FL, on Thursday.

The eradication of all things douchey was first noticed on Friday, August 5th, 2008, when the first Bud Light Port Paradise Cruise left Florida. South Florida nightclub attendance fell drastically, leaving only pockets of good dancers and people who were actually familiar with the headlining DJs prior to that evening.

“It was weird,” said Don Grigio, 30, a substitute teacher from Miami. “Instead of roided out dudes grinding on chicks and girls talking over the music all night, it was just fans of the DJ dancing and having a nice time. You wouldn’t believe how clean the bathrooms were.”

Outdoor festival attendees also appreciate the reprieve. “I try to plan my summer concert schedule with the Bud Light Cruise in mind,” said Patsy Ashland of Chicago. “Once all the Bud Light drinkers take off, I know that I can go to an all-day concert and not have to see: sweaty, sunburned guys with beer bellies sans shirts; chicks sitting on guys’ shoulders directly in my line of vision; trashed parents ignoring their kids; and Dave Matthews Band fans,” she said ticking each point off on a finger.

 

As a service to our readers, we would like to announce that the following businesses will be closed during the Bud Light Port Paradise Cruise:

  •  HUMMER dealerships;
  • tanning salons;
  • mall jewelry kiosks;
  • Crunch fitness;
  • Ed Hardy stores;
  • Axe body spray factories; and
  • South Beach.

Written by Kelli

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