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Report: Florida Teeming with Sleazy Bachelors Harassing Wholesome Housewives, Students

Lesbians Pool Celebrities Naked Sex

Wild Things (1998)       Directed by John McNaughton

Body Heat Movie Poster with Kathleen Turner Standing over William Hurt smoking

Body Heat (1981) Directed by Lawrence Kasdan

FLORIDA –  Miami police grapple with two painfully obvious crime cases labeled by local media outlets as Body Heat (1981) and Wild Things (1998). According to police records, these two cases bring Florida’s neo-noir problem front and center.

A perpetually wet personal injury lawyer, Ned Racine (William Hurt), and a high school counselor that drives a Jeep Wrangler, Sam Lombardo (Matt Dillon), went virtually undetected as slimeballs despite their disinclination toward wearing shirts and inability to speak to women in respectable tones.

Attorney Ned Racine reportedly told mild-mannered housewife Matty Walker (Kathleen Turner) that she “shouldn’t wear that body” and followed her to her marital home in Pine Haven on multiple occasions under the guise of “seeing her wind chimes” which was an obvious cover for stalking and possible murder.  Police refer to the well-known studies that show males under the age of 60 lack the capacity to identify wind chimes, lumping them all in together with “old lady stuff” like scented candles and birdhouses.

In the second case, high school counselor Sam Lombardo was seen driving  his low-tech meets low-brow Jeep Wrangler with student Kelly Van Ryan (Denise Richards) inside, ostensibly taking her home from high school. Especially damning reports label Lombardo as “blasting Third Eye Blind and Smash Mouth.” These offensive reports have not yet been corroborated.

Matt Dillon looks like a douche as he drops Denise Richards off at home in Wild Things

I want something else, to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby.

Detective Ray Duquette (Kevin Bacon) went on record to note that Van Ryan was so thankful for Lombardo’s kindness with the transport home that she went so far as to wash the Wrangler for Lombardo – without payment – in the course of her charity work for her cheerleading duties as a Blue Bay Buccaneer. Van Ryan gave Lombardo the “Full Service Plus” wash and even when, at the end, she found herself with no towels to dry off the vehicle, valiantly offered up her already soaking t-shirt and shorts. Sadly, she was later to have this generosity repaid with murder.

Matty Walker’s character has also been roundly lauded, primarily by neighbors in the town of Pine Haven for keeping a “lovely garden with a veritable orchestra of windchimes” as well as donating money on a weekly basis to the Pine Haven Tavern. All regulars at the Pine Haven Tavern will mourn the loss of Mrs. Walker’s presence, just handing out dollar bill after dollar bill once she finished her bourbons. “We really liked Miz Walker,” one swarthy bar patron offers, “she was somethin’ to look at, what with those all-white dresses that went total, like, see-through after an hour in this hot-ass dump. I didn’t even mind that some batshit weird atonal saxophone seemed to follow her around wherever she went.”

According to police investigations, both Lombardo and Racine live just above the poverty line and seem to funnel all of their discretionary income into douchey cars and high-waisted pants. Meanwhile, Walker and Van Ryan enjoyed comfortable upper-class lifestyles and loving relationships with the families that provided them their closets full of white linen garb and gun lockers.

Detective Duquette considers these open-and-shut cases, with both Lombardo and Racine as obvious stalkers that were in no way encouraged by the beautiful yet demure (in that femme fatale way) Walker and Van Ryan. Lombardo is facing murder charges while Racine is looking at arson. Both cases are stalled, however, at the insistent petitioning of  prosecutor Peter Lowenstein (Ted Danson) for the Racine case and high school student Suzie Toller (Neve Campbell) for Lombardo’s.

“Both Lowenstein and Toller have made exceedingly bad style choices,” Duquette opines, “and that is a sure mark of an untrustworthy source. Lowenstein is tooling around town in Junior Soprano glasses and floods. Toller won’t let go of the Craft multi-layered beaded necklace trend. Don’t even get me started on her mushroom haircut.”

Prosecutor Ted Danson reads book on couch as Peter Lowenstein in Body Heat
Obvious disreputable source.


Neve Campbell as vampy slut in Wild Things

                                                                                   And again.

**********************************************

This reporter was granted access to interview Lombardo and Racine while in their holding cells, the cells sans air-conditioning, because it wouldn’t be a Florida noir if everyone wasn’t sweating their balls off in every scene.

REPORTER: Hello gentlemen. I’ve come to discuss with you some of the more damning aspects of your cases as explained to me by HPI, the Hillbilly Police Investigators.

SAM LOMBARDO: I’m innocent! Goddamit.

REP: Fine, Mr. Lombardo, we’ll address your situation first. I see here that you secured world-famous comedian Bill Murray as your lawyer.

SM: Yes, that’s right.

REP: Can you tell me why you chose him?

SM: Based on his track record as a weatherman, a Ghostbuster, several mentally unhinged characters, his stint in the army, and then a few more repeats of the weatherman job, he seemed like the most seasoned attorney available. Plus, he had great style, what with his – seersucker suits, white fedoras, and pimp cane – which of course would heavily sway Detective Duquette’s professional opinion of the case since Murray comes across basically as a disabled pimp.

Bill Murray as Matt Dillon's lawyer in Wild Things, dressed in white pimp outfit

“You’ll watch me in anything, won’t you?”

REP: Fair enough. Now Mr. Racine, I see here that besides representing serious criminals in court you also fraternize with them in your free time? Teddy Lewis (Mickey Rourke), for example. He is a known arsonist that you kept out of lockup. Interestingly, Ms. Walker reported that her boathouse exploded after she had made it clear she no longer wanted any relations with you.

NED RACINE: The only reason – and I told Duquette this – that I hang out with Teddy is for his mind-bending song and dance performances. He is a struggling artist and has to hold all performances in his garage/apartment/bomb shelter. That is why Peter saw me exiting the premises looking especially soaking wet and sweaty the other day. Not because I had just procured a bomb and was nervous about it but because I had been joyfully grooving with Teddy as he exuberantly bopped around the shop.

REP: I see. And you both – you and Lombardo –maintain that the women in these cases – Walker and Van Ryan – were NOT perfect snowy white angels of virtue?

[Note: When visiting Walker and Van Ryan at their palatial estates this reporter was simply bowled over by the gracious manners and gleaming white teeth and clothing of these women. They were perfect hostesses at the pool parties, steak dinners, and boat rides we enjoyed at their husband’s and father’s expense. In fact, when I had had a little too much to drink, they were both equally kind enough to put me in a car and send me home. Whoops. Looks like I’m still missing my driver’s license and social security card. I’ll have Duquette get on that after the interview. But I digress.]

…and that is how, my friend, the femme fatale always gets her man. Me, in this case.

REP: Yes, yes, [clears throat, shuffles papers]. Mr. Lombardo, I see here that you enjoy driving an air boat in your free time. An air boat? Really? You should have taken a spin in Ms. Van Ryan’s yacht! Woo-baby!  And Ms. Walker really lets it out when we race down the coast in her red Ferrari.

[Both incarcerated men glare and squint contemplatively.]

REP: You know what? I just remembered. I forgot an appointment I need to be at. [Shuffles through messenger bag, finds sunblock, lovingly pats it, finds some Ferrari keys and jingles them. Reporter returns attention to incarcerated men.] “Gentlemen. It isn’t my place to pass any judgment but I have to say, it’s not looking good for you fellows.

NR: Sometimes the shit comes down so heavy I feel like I should wear a hat.

As both cases progressed, Detective Duquette dug up more damning evidence. Both Racine and Lombardo had been seen moodily smoking cigarettes while looking out windows into neon moonlight. The haunting sound of saxophones followed whenever they drove. Both had that squinty way of looking at you and wryly smiling. It was not very long before they were both locked up in the big house for their neo-noir crimes.

 INTERIOR OFFICE, REPORTER, EARLY MORNING

 Reporter stands by the window. His eyes are strangely dreamy and he is uncharacteristically drinking scotch far earlier than 5 pm. He watches Matty Walker breeze into the room.

WALKER

Morning, Angel.

There’s a copy of the Sun-Sentinel on his desk. Walker points to it, grins.

 WALKER

(mockingly)

Some men, once they get a whiff of it, they trail you like a hound.

 REPORTER

(in a queer, tight voice)

Did you lead me astray, Matty? Was I wrong?

WALKER

Your Matty’s been kicked around her whole life. And from now on, I’m kicking back.

REPORTER

(intense worry creeping into his face)

What the fuck does that mean? I printed those articles on the basis of your story. Are you telling me that you misrepresented the story?

WALKER

I don’t go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.

 REPORTER

I’m not asking you to swear on the Bible. Just tell me – did you falsify your story? Because, Jesus Matty, this article really swayed public favor. It was a miracle – right? – that the jury wasn’t moved to a new county, or state, even!

WALKER

The lie was in the way I said it, not at all in what I said. It’s my own fault if you can’t believe me now.

 REPORTER

WTF! Stop talking in riddles and just come clean on your story! Matty, we essentially put two men away on murder charges for a looong time, honey. Wait, what? Where is that saxophone music coming from?

 WALKER

Just come meet me later at my new and improved boathouse set waaay far back from the road. I’ll leave you the key to our new life there. We can go away together, I just need to settle up a few matters first with Racine’s will.

 OVER SCENE the SOUND of the corridor door knob rattling. Walker sashays to the frosted window, squints through a crack in the door. The Reporter stands, leaden-faced, entranced by his writing hand.

 WALKER

(in a flat voice)

Ted Danson is here. He brought Demetri Martin with him.

 WHEEDLY SHOUT through the DOOR

I’m an unlicensed private detective ma’am.

 REPORTER

Matty, get my gun.

Jason Schwartzman and Ted Danson in suits in Bored to Death

We are your new noir.

– Written by Kelli

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Bear Grylls Launches New Line of Bottled Water: “Drink My Piss”

October 31, 2011 | Season 1 – Episode 5

Everglades, Florida—British writer/adventurer Bear “Edward” Grylls of Man vs. Wild fame has released his own line of bottled water and it is called Drink My Piss. “This water offers the weekend warrior all the calories, protein and energy available in my piss. I make about 1-2 bottles a day, dependent upon whether I had a lot to drink the night before,” said the international television star and survival instructor. “The flavor varies by bottle and the primary taste can be anything from mostly salty to only slightly salty. Later, I will release limited edition flavors where I only eat one type of food all day. Those’ll be things like Kiwi Piss, Green Tea Pee, and Wild Turkey. I have plans to later do a line of exotic frozen dinners that reflect what I eat on the show [Man vs.Wild]. I’m thinking carpenter ant larvae, tree frogs and of course, elephant shit. Uh oh, looks like I’m ready to make another ½ bottle. Excuse me.” At press time, Grylls had sold 1 bottle to Les Stroud.

All images from Know Your Meme.

Cat walking across tundra text = "Cat door jammed. Better drink my own piss."Bear Grylls head shot with "The Sun is Going Down. Better Drink My Own Piss."

Image of Bear Grylls in tundra with "Unable to Pee. Better Drink My Own...Oh God"Bear Grylls in Snow with "Lost Super Bowl Bet. Can't Drink My Own Piss for at Least 3 Months."

Written by Kelli

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Off-Hand Joke Results in Howard the Duck Remake

Howard the Duck Lea Thompson

"You think this is degrading? Just wait 'til two seasons of 'Caroline in the City'. You'll be begging for duck on human action then."

Sept. 20, 2011 – Hollywood, Calif. – Matt Hill, a junior executive at Paramount Pictures is reportedly in “extreme agony” after a flip suggestion to remake Howard the Duck was taken at face value and given the green light after 10 minutes of excited conversation at last week’s “synergy/brainstorming” session at the studio.

“We were talking about the box office performance of the new Footloose and the possible remake of Romancing the Stone, when someone mentioned how excited they were about freshening up other cinema classics – his word, not mine – and I said ‘Yeah! Can’t you just picture what we could do with Howard the Duck if we gave him a Twitter account and access to online porn? The kids would just love it!'” Hill said, adding that he was fairly certain he spoke in what could “only be perceived as a clearly sarcastic tone.”

Hill said that instead of laughing — or “better, yet, ignoring me altogether like they usually do” — the other attendees at the meeting began furiously taking notes and nodding in agreement, offering feedback until the meeting ended with everyone slapping him on the back and giving him the thumbs up.

“The worst part came when they started adding their own ideas on how to ‘hip up’ Howard for a new generation of, and I can’t believe they used this word, fans,” said Hill, who studied Comparative Media Studies at MIT and holds a Film and Visual Studies degree from Harvard, and whose cheeky remark will result in a $200 million “reimaging” of the jazz- and tit-loving anthropomorphic duck to hit theaters December 2012.

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Megan Fox Loses Role in “Transformers 3” Movie Because She ‘Just Doesn’t Have That Megan Fox Look’

June 16, 2011

LOS ANGELES— A disgruntled Megan Fox told reporters Thursday that she was “totally disappointed” to find out that she had been turned down for the lead female role of Carly Miller in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon because she “just didn’t have that Megan Fox look anymore.” “I know that I had a little work done on my brows, nose, lips, eyes, cheeks, and boobs but those were all required maintenance for a 25-year-old,” a sort of frowning Fox said. “The rest of the all-star cast from Transformers 2 was rehired  — Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, and John Turturro — they need a hot leading lady to laugh at all their jokes about robot ballsacks.”    

Director Michael Bay weighed in on the matter via skype, “Megan’s a great girl, but I just really needed someone with that Megan Fox look. You know, the sexy siren with the pillowy lips and youthful face. I’m not looking to cast a 40-year-old with a great surgeon as our heroine. If I wanted that, I would have called Cameron Diaz.” At press time Megan Fox was reportedly auditioning for a role in House of Wax II.

 

Before After Megan Fox Plastic Surgery

Written by Kelli

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Study: Kenneth Branagh finds that Shakespeare’s Plays Would Benefit from an Increase in Kenneth Branagh

March 11, 2011

LOS ANGELES— Kenneth Branagh to release adaptation of William Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor wherein he will play each and every role possible, according to a press release issued earlier today.

Kenneth Branagh Film Still Hamlet

“I have acted in, produced and directed many works by Shakespeare, who some consider to be the greatest writer in the English language, but despite his powerful prose and intricate plot development I still felt there was something missing. More of me, it turns out,” a jovial Kenneth Branagh announced at a press meeting he called this afternoon.

Branagh is known for bringing Shakespeare to the general populace in his hit film adaptations of Much Ado about Nothing (1993), Othello (1995), and Hamlet (1996) in which he played only one character per film.

“According to my studies, when audiences see an unabridged, 4-hour film wherein I am the only one permitted to utter the Bard’s poetry, they will wholly appreciate an oft overlooked masterpiece, such as The Merry Wives of Windsor.” When questioned about the source of his study, reporters were instructed to read through his autobiography, Beginning, written in 1991 at age 30.

“Overall, I expect to be impressed,” Emma Layland, a college freshman said. “I mean, he was in some Harry Potter movies, right? They don’t let just anybody hop on the old flying broomstick.”

Despite unfavorable reviews of most of his films by the larger Shakespeare Theatre Companies, Branagh continues to create. “When I watch his adaptations I feel like I am just watching Kenneth Branagh mentally masturbate for 3 hours,” derided Katy Sorensen, the Artistic Director for the Lake Tahoe Shakespeare Festival.

“My remarkable versatility was a key factor in the casting,” said Branagh, gesturing to his merch table replete with DVDs of every film he has ever done as well as copies of his autobiography and a sweater he knitted. “In fact, once this film blows everyone out of the water I may tackle the rest of the Shakespeare library and remake them all, starring me, with supplementary roles played by me.”

Branagh finished the meeting by taking no questions and launching into a 25-minute soliloquy about the ravages of fame on a humble Irishman.

Written by Kelli

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Democrat Senators Adopt Nadsat Language in Order to Further Slow Government Proceedings

March 9, 2011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Government proceedings were brought to a standstill Wednesday when Democratic senators addressed congress in Nadsat, a mode of speech created by Anthony Burgess in his 1962 dystopian novella, A Clockwork Orange. “At first it seemed like any other speech, but then it devolved into a lot of ‘viddy,’ ‘welly,’ and ‘droogs,’” said Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner, explaining the confusion following several speeches made by Democrats in the rhyming slang. “I didn’t study linguistics in college but I sure did study America, and that is not the American language.” Frustrated Republicans called for an investigation of Nadsat’s usage because of its Slavic-sounding phrases, angling to deem it  Communist propaganda.  Meanwhile, Democratic House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer pronounced “it a real horrorshow day,” calling Boehner “a right shoot who I’d like to razrez in the yarbles.”

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Fans Mourn Stanley Kubrick’s Death by Forcing Themselves to Sit Through 3 Hours of “Barry Lyndon”

February 7, 2011

MIAMI, Florida —According to movie theatre employees, Kubrick fans trudged in en masse this afternoon for the free screening of Barry Lyndon offered by the local alt-cinema. The film, which is reportedly “ridiculously long” and “pretty boring” is based on the 1844 novel The Luck of Barry Lyndon by William Makepeace Thackeray and is considered one of Kubrick’s finest films by cinema luminaries like Martin Scorsese. “You know how people are supposed to be penitent on Good Friday and meditate on the pain of Christ being nailed to the cross? It’s kind of like that,” movie-goer Beatrice Knoepp said. “Some people say they enjoy it, but I think they are just saying that to impress their dates.” At press time, 10 people in attendance at the theatre had fallen asleep and 3 people had tried to skim through the book on their e-readers in an attempt to finish the story before the film had ended.

Written by Kelli

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