Sept. 20, 2011 – Hollywood, Calif. – Matt Hill, a junior executive at Paramount Pictures is reportedly in “extreme agony” after a flip suggestion to remake Howard the Duck was taken at face value and given the green light after 10 minutes of excited conversation at last week’s “synergy/brainstorming” session at the studio.
“We were talking about the box office performance of the new Footloose and the possible remake of Romancing the Stone, when someone mentioned how excited they were about freshening up other cinema classics – his word, not mine – and I said ‘Yeah! Can’t you just picture what we could do with Howard the Duck if we gave him a Twitter account and access to online porn? The kids would just love it!'” Hill said, adding that he was fairly certain he spoke in what could “only be perceived as a clearly sarcastic tone.”
Hill said that instead of laughing — or “better, yet, ignoring me altogether like they usually do” — the other attendees at the meeting began furiously taking notes and nodding in agreement, offering feedback until the meeting ended with everyone slapping him on the back and giving him the thumbs up.
“The worst part came when they started adding their own ideas on how to ‘hip up’ Howard for a new generation of, and I can’t believe they used this word, fans,” said Hill, who studied Comparative Media Studies at MIT and holds a Film and Visual Studies degree from Harvard, and whose cheeky remark will result in a $200 million “reimaging” of the jazz- and tit-loving anthropomorphic duck to hit theaters December 2012.
“Scratch that. The worst part was when they referenced some dickish joke I made last month about Katherine Heigl being ‘impossible not to love’, saying that obviously, she should get the Lea Thompson part, provided Kate Hudson can’t do it,” said Hill. “It’s amazing that I seem to be wearing my invisibility cloak whenever I pitch a wholly original and challenging script idea from a cutting-edge, underrated female writer about modern issues starring characters that are likable but three-dimensional and who don’t talk down to the fucking audience like they’re a pack of lead-paint-chip-eating squirrels, but whenever I make an under-the-breath, tongue-in-cheek comment about how David Spade is due for a comeback, a la Travolta, he suddenly gets a role as an extraterrestrial waterfowl in a really expensive major motion picture.”
“I was hoping that Lucas still held the rights to the original film and it wouldn’t get made cause of copyright and such,” Hill said. “Either that’s not the case or he just really, really fucking hates everyone.”
“We just love (Hill’s) ideas. He’s really on a roll,” said Mary Caffin, a colleague at Paramount who has worked across the hall from Hill for four years but didn’t know his name until the “Howard awakening” earlier this month. “Someone else said (Hill) also recently suggested a modern take on (2010’s) The Other Guys. I really like the way this guy thinks. He’s definitely going places and we’re thrilled for him that he will get to see his name on Howardster: The Reboot as a producer. He really deserves this step in his career.”
At last reporting, Hill could not be located for comment, except for a hastily scrawled note — “What I have done is unforgivable. Please know that I am deeply sorry and I never meant for any of this to happen – Matt” — found in his office by colleague, Jesper Stevens.
“Of course! A reimagining of Unforgiven starring Gerald Butler!” Stevens said. “Why didn’t I think of that?! Matt sure is amazing, isn’t he?”
– This ambiguous Rental Rehab review of the entirely inexcusable Howard the Duck (1986) was written by Tricia.