FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – The nation breathes a sigh of relief this Friday as the Bud Light Port Paradise 4 Cruise departs and America’s douchebags leave the continent for the weekend.
Every summer, patrons of nightclubs, outdoor festivals, community pools and volleyball courts rejoice as the Bud Light cruise effectively rounds up every possible douchebag and sails them out to sea for a blissful 3-day-weekend. Unfortunately, there is a spike in douchebag activity directly prior to the cruise, as hopeful cruisers can win a free trip by entering [on Bud Light’s website] an in-pack code found inside packs of Bud Light.
However, once all of the douchebags have been identified and herded onto the ship, the rest of America can then drive safely on the highways and easily stow their appropriately sized luggage in the carry-on area on national flights.
“Now I can quietly read my book at the beach without having to hear catcalls from the douches on the volleyball court or try to ignore the drunk hos while they take photos of themselves rolling around in the sand,” said Elizabeth Wallace of Hollywood, FL, on Thursday.
The eradication of all things douchey was first noticed on Friday, August 5th, 2008, when the first Bud Light Port Paradise Cruise left Florida. South Florida nightclub attendance fell drastically, leaving only pockets of good dancers and people who were actually familiar with the headlining DJs prior to that evening.
“It was weird,” said Don Grigio, 30, a substitute teacher from Miami. “Instead of roided out dudes grinding on chicks and girls talking over the music all night, it was just fans of the DJ dancing and having a nice time. You wouldn’t believe how clean the bathrooms were.”
Outdoor festival attendees also appreciate the reprieve. “I try to plan my summer concert schedule with the Bud Light Cruise in mind,” said Patsy Ashland of Chicago. “Once all the Bud Light drinkers take off, I know that I can go to an all-day concert and not have to see: sweaty, sunburned guys with beer bellies sans shirts; chicks sitting on guys’ shoulders directly in my line of vision; trashed parents ignoring their kids; and Dave Matthews Band fans,” she said ticking each point off on a finger.
As a service to our readers, we would like to announce that the following businesses will be closed during the Bud Light Port Paradise Cruise:
- HUMMER dealerships;
- tanning salons;
- mall jewelry kiosks;
- Crunch fitness;
- Ed Hardy stores;
- Axe body spray factories; and
- South Beach.
Written by Kelli