March 11, 2011
LOS ANGELES— Kenneth Branagh to release adaptation of William Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor wherein he will play each and every role possible, according to a press release issued earlier today.
“I have acted in, produced and directed many works by Shakespeare, who some consider to be the greatest writer in the English language, but despite his powerful prose and intricate plot development I still felt there was something missing. More of me, it turns out,” a jovial Kenneth Branagh announced at a press meeting he called this afternoon.
Branagh is known for bringing Shakespeare to the general populace in his hit film adaptations of Much Ado about Nothing (1993), Othello (1995), and Hamlet (1996) in which he played only one character per film.
“According to my studies, when audiences see an unabridged, 4-hour film wherein I am the only one permitted to utter the Bard’s poetry, they will wholly appreciate an oft overlooked masterpiece, such as The Merry Wives of Windsor.” When questioned about the source of his study, reporters were instructed to read through his autobiography, Beginning, written in 1991 at age 30.
“Overall, I expect to be impressed,” Emma Layland, a college freshman said. “I mean, he was in some Harry Potter movies, right? They don’t let just anybody hop on the old flying broomstick.”
Despite unfavorable reviews of most of his films by the larger Shakespeare Theatre Companies, Branagh continues to create. “When I watch his adaptations I feel like I am just watching Kenneth Branagh mentally masturbate for 3 hours,” derided Katy Sorensen, the Artistic Director for the Lake Tahoe Shakespeare Festival.
“My remarkable versatility was a key factor in the casting,” said Branagh, gesturing to his merch table replete with DVDs of every film he has ever done as well as copies of his autobiography and a sweater he knitted. “In fact, once this film blows everyone out of the water I may tackle the rest of the Shakespeare library and remake them all, starring me, with supplementary roles played by me.”
Branagh finished the meeting by taking no questions and launching into a 25-minute soliloquy about the ravages of fame on a humble Irishman.
Written by Kelli