Welcome to my home page. This page was made so that my legions of fans can keep updated on my many acting gigs so that they won’t miss one minute of my thespian talents. But not this very moment because I am in rehab for the 5th time.
The Next Judi Dench
Gemini: Mistress of multiple personalities (2).
Powdering my nose. Get it? But no, really, I like to go dancing in Los Angeles sans panties like all the other classy actresses. That’s what guys like, right? Because I date women, so I wouldn’t know. I mean, yeah, I posed nude in Playboy and that wet-nude thing that Maxim does and starred in that abortion “I Know Who Killed Me” (that WON 8 Razzie awards BTW) which only netted an audience of dudes that wanted to watch me strip. LOL. But the trick was on them because I didn’t’ actually get naked and only danced a slow-motion striptease because I couldn’t handle dancing to Whitesnake at 33 rpm.
If I had another chance at life I would still do all those things and instead of snorting all my money up my nose I would use it to buy Samantha Ronson a truckload of fedora hats and leather jackets so she would love me forever.
My Favorite color:
I like a natural red.
While most directors describe me as ‘dumb, hot, and willing to do anything,’ I see myself more as a an elusive Marilyn Monroe type. She was a tortured soul, a beautiful girl from the country who made it big in Hollywood and had a whirlwind career and life. Just like how I was groomed from a young age to whore myself out for money and have spent the majority of my late teens and early twenties sitting in therapy circles. Also, I dressed as her in a photo shoot so that proves our similarity. I talk about dying young like her too, but most everybody thinks that if I haven’t even achieved that yet, then I never will. They’re probably right.
Here is a pic of me acting classy, just like Marilyn. I’m using the knife as a phallic substitute. That’s a special sexy trick that one can only master after drinking 6 Red Bull and Vodkas and spilling most of your blow down your shirt. This was a great night, I met a lot of new friends and made lots of promises to show up to 5 am call times for film shoots because that is how real actresses make a living.
I thought about eating once but then I changed my mind. That’s Kim’s department. Besides, eating takes time away from acting exercises like curling my hair just-so and getting arrested.
In that photo of Kim and me we had just finished attending a really elite Actor’s party, maybe the SAG or something. I don’t really remember, I only got a good look at the bathrooms. They were nice. I’ve seen better.
This is my favorite photo of myself acting. I like to pretend to drink excessively and then fall in the dirt off of my towering heels. I think it shows me being both approachable and fashionable. If I wasn’t such a great actress, one might think I am a no-talent twat who masquerades as an actress and who is prime fodder for the next “Housewives of Encino Valley”. But that would never happen because I am a serious actress.
Written by Kelli