In deference to the film, which chose to dispose of non-necessities like plot, dialogue, or character development, the Rental Rehab girls also chose to forego any critical thinking, discussion, or enjoyment in relation to this film.
Thus, they started downing Coors Light, The Silver Bullet and taking shots of Jaeger before, during, and after the epic viewing of this movie.
To begin, they pre-drank one beer each and were hard at work on #2 when the movie started. Unfortunately, the beer goggles were not properly adjusted when they were besieged with a nude Busey zipping up into his acid-wash jeans.
T: “This answers the question of whether Gary Busey was ever attractive.”
K: Snorts through nose while maniacally chugging her Coors.
It comes out that Busey was in jail for murder but is being released. No reason as to why he got out of what is normally a 16-year offense, after what looks like less than a handful of years, is offered.
Eye of the Tiger (1986), apparently looking to capitalize on the popularity of Scarface (1983), incorporates a gratuitous scene including a Cuban druglord as Busey’s cellmate, granted freedom the same day as he. The Cuban is from Miami, wears an all-white suit, is dripping with both an accent and money, and exits the jail in his Rolls-Royce, apparently on a cross-country road trip from AZ or NM back to FLA.
T: “Holy ethnic stereotype!” Takes another long pull from the Coors.
K: Derisive laugh. More Coors.
When Busey returns home to “that town” he is from (one deixis of many to be used in this movie) he finds that it is overrun by a dirtbike gang. While this gang of hoodlums is meant to instill fear in the hearts of the audience, upon viewing Eye of the Tiger in the 21st century, one is mostly reminded of the motocross racing game by Nintendo, one Excitebike. Mostly, contemporary viewers are reminded of that annoying noise your bike made when it overheated on the track and you were pushed off-track to let it cool down. That’s about as threatening as this bike gang gets.
Back to the, errr, “action.” Yet another version of Eye of the Tiger, the song, is cued up in Eye of the Tiger, the movie.
T: “You know, this used to be my theme song for my derby team.”
T: “Yeah. It was our rallying cry. We were the underdogs. They played it whenever we were staging a comeback.” Pause for a sip of Coors. “Yeah. We never actually heard it at any of the games.”
K: Sips some Coors. “Jaeger shot?”
The film introduces one of Busey’s intended rivals, a mustachioed hick police chief/sheriff with a Hawaiian shirt and bolo tie.
Busey makes it back to his house and greets his child and wife whom we suppose he hasn’t seen in an undisclosed number of years. While this plot theme seems pertinent here at the beginning, it is never addressed again.
Upon arrival in its natural habitat, The Busey bares its gigantic teeth at its offspring. The offspring reads this as a friendly act and responds with a loving hug. Although The Busey’s chompers may seem menacing, they only attack when provoked or food is present, akin to barracuda.
Long-suffering and soon-to-be killed-off wife wrings out dishtowel and greets him long-sufferingly.
T: “How old do you think that kid is? Five? Six? Was he in prison for murdering someone for only 6 years? Is that really his kid?”
K: “Conjugal visit?”
Busey celebrates his freedom by heading to a construction site, intensely surveying the land and drinking in the dusty landscape and emphatically pouring himself a cup of coffee from a plastic Thermos.
T: “I think Busey’s cheese has slid off his cracker.”
At some point in the night, Busey hears the sounds of a struggle. It’s a young female nurse, who is being harassed by the nefarious dirtbike gang. The gang threatens her with a rape of the gang variety. Though apparently miles from the scene of the crime, Busey senses he is needed and takes off in his beat-up pickup truck to help.
T: “It’s like Batman to the Bat Signal. But instead of a bat, it’s a giant set of teeth, illuminated against the sky.”
K: Checking the running time against the action on screen. “We’re 7 minutes in and already this shit has stopped making sense.”
Kelli and Tricia at this point recognize that they are too sober to continue watching at this pace. They pause the movie, consume a few shots of Jaeger and open a fresh can o’ suds. For those of you playing along/watching at home, Rental Rehab suggests frequent drink breaks during the course of Eye of the Tiger.
T: “OK. And we’re back. Let’s see if they’ve finally started doing something.”
Busey and the biker gang tussle, and Busey runs them off, thus saving the female nurse from defilement. The dirtbike gang leader, one of the many strong, silent types in the film, doesn’t speak directives, so much as using engine revs as a form of Morse code.
The local TV news crews pick up word of Busey’s heroism and swarm his house to get interviews. In a voice that can only be compared with Will Ferrell’s impersonation of George W. Bush, Busey tells them; “I don’t know, they got there real fast.”
T: “I think we may have just uncovered an early role model for W.”
The muddled backstory as to why the bikers have adopted this town as their personal revving ground will never be revealed. No thanks to any monologues on Busey’s account, we’re up to about a 10-word dialogue count for this raw acting talent.
In order to exact revenge on Busey for interrupting their gang bang, the Excitebikes decide to storm his castle. Unfortunately for Busey, his castle was built by the stage crew from the local community theatre and it crumbles as quickly as an oatmeal cookie dipped in coffee once Busey’s majestic molars get ahold of it.
In other words, the bikers crash through all the windows and walls of his home, and kill off the disposable first wife. Busey is rendered helpless by a fallen couch and so cannot save his family as valiantly as he did the pretty young nurse. He most definitely was not hiding underneath that couch while the gang erased his entire existence, thus turning him into someone with nothing to lose. See also: Roadhouse.
Cut to leader of the Excitebikes, standing astride his Honda, dramatically removing his helmet to reveal:
1) His hair is cut into the shape of a vagina.
2) He wears a leather neckerchief.
3) He is basically a leatherdaddy.
K: “So…they’re drug runners? We’re learning this 40 minutes into a 90 minute movie?”
As rewatching of the movie was disallowed, no further evidence as to why this point was deduced can be offered.
T: “I’m honestly embarrassed for them that they are doing this.”
Two shots of Jaeger are consumed and the beers are finished off.
Some stuff happens and now Busey has a truck that is tricked out like KITT replete with crates in the bed labeled “Garbage Disposal.” The girls are now confused as to whether the film is trying to be coy about Busey “taking out the garbage” or if they had accidentally switched the TV to a new reality show about Busey’s life. Shoulders are shrugged regardless. Busey returns to his house, ground zero, if you will, to survey the damage.
T: His house is riddled with bullets, yet there was zero gunfire during that ridiculous motorcycle scene!”
Movie is stopped to try a drink that Kelli insists is good, Jaeger mixed with root beer.
T: “I didn’t forsee this taking SO LONG to do anything! “
K: “But he jumped his truck right in the beginning.”
Jaeger/root beer drinks are finished and Kelli loses a little credibility as a bartender.
The girls are now under the impression that the bikers dug the body of Busey’s freshly-dead wife out of the ground and then proceed to simply ride their blatting bikes around his house incessantly. Drunkenness vs. bad screenplay is becoming more difficult to decipher…
T: “They [the bikers] are pussies.”
Some more explosions occur and people fall dead.
K: “They got killed by smoke. I didn’t see them get hit by anything.”
T: “I swear George Bush has watched this. He must wear a WWGD (What Would Gary Busey Do) bracelet.”
K: “George Bush, Gary Busey; do you think those initials are a coincidence?”
Thus begins the conspiracy theory portion of Kelli’s drunk state. Parts have been omitted for purposes of time.
T: “How is this the eye of the tiger, by the way?”
K: “He’s lassoing someone!”
Both girls applaud and look crookedly/disgustedly at the Jaeger bottle.
T: “This is the worst movie ever.”
K: “Gary’s big end-of-the-movie speech is in a bingo hall; can’t you dream a little bigger, Mr. Eye of the Tiger?”
T: “Ogh yearh, he’s making them rethink their lives.”
In effect, one could say this entry devolved into a blabbering mess, much like Mr. Busey himself. The hidden dangers of (watching) a motorcycle crash indeed.
K: “Gary barely waits until his wife is cold in the ground—wait, no, he JUST reburied her that afternoon and is hittin the nurse that is watching his PTSD daughter?”
T: “Anal raping with Vaseline and a cigar?”
K: “It sucks to hear this song [Eye of the Tiger] watching a guy drive vs. running up stairs.”
T: “Even for an acion movie this is lacking in plaot — 8 dirnks in.”
K: “Monologue please!”
K: “VAg head again.”
T: “He looks like if ___ and Freddie Mercureyr had a kid.”
K: “Now theryre ogni to maek out finally.”
T: “Never dsceratyah dry shit.”
K: “Wtf wo hoiroe theio se lien.”
K: “I’m getting a dirt bike. All I have to do is ride around in circles to look tough.”
T: “WHAT is the eye of the tiger?”