Basket Case is a “dark comedy” (read: we blatantly use stereotypes, lo-fi effects and horrible dialogue) about a pair of separated Siamese Twins exacting revenge on the doctors who were harangued into separating them by their “evil” father. The boys were happy living shuttered away in upstate New York until dad decided he wanted one functional son rather than a mutant twosome. Their visit to the big city goes pretty much how many first-timers’ experiences go: a shitty hotel room, a little bit of sex, and some stop-action fighting. Enjoy – Kelli
Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: Today’s guests are 2 brothers previously joined at the hip who now just want to kill each other. I’d like to welcome Duane to the show.
(Duane enters from backstage)
Jerry: Hello, Duane.
Duane: Hi, Jerry.
Jerry: (reading from card) So, Duane, you’re here to tell your brother something. What is it?
Duane: Well, Jerry, my brother Belial and I have always been close. We do everything together. We’re really inseparable. But once we moved to the city to massacre the squadron of doctors who separated us it has been nothing but fighting.
Jerry: What do you mean, the doctors who separated you? I thought you said you two did everything together?
Duane: Oh, we do, Jerry. It’s just that until we were 11-years old Belial was this enormous growth that protruded out of the right side of my torso. He looks kind of like one of those claymation California Raisins. Anyway, he has full use of his senses but he can only speak in garbled screams. The doctors thought it best to cut us apart so that I could live a normal life.
Jerry: I see.
Duane: But we didn’t want to be separated. So now, almost 10 years later, we’ve decided to go on a killing rampage and exact revenge on the doctors who tried to remedy our freakish existence. But everything is just falling apart.
Jerry: Why is that?
Duane: In the course of tracking down and violently murdering these 3 doctors, I’ve made friends with some nice ladyfolk and Belial keeps getting in the way, trying to take them for his own!
Duane: I know! I know! Is that selfish or what? I carry him around in a very secure padlocked wicker basket day-in and day-out and feed him bagfuls of cheap burgers and raw hotdogs to satiate his bloodlust. The least he could do is let me get a little tail.
Jerry: So what do you want to tell him today?
Duane: I want to tell him that unless he gives me some alone time with the ladies, we’re going our separate ways. I can not die a virgin.
Jerry: Well, you’re going to get your chance. Here’s Belial!
(Belial drags himself onstage and stiltedly slides up to Duane)
(Belial pulls the chair out from underneath Duane. Duane falls backwards. Duane lunges at Belial but Steve the security guard pulls them apart before things can go any further.)
Jerry: Can we get that “separated Siamese twin translator” in here please?
(Woman in sexy nurse uniform sashays onstage and takes a seat. Crowd wolf whistles and howls. Belial and translator confer.)
Translator: Belial is afraid that if Duane gets a girlfriend he will desert him.
Jerry: Excuse me, we have a comment from the audience.
Man in audience: I think that this fear of desertion relates directly to when Duane and Belial were 11 and Duane took most of Belial’s motor capabilities with him after the surgery, lessening his enjoyment of life. (this man who looks eerily similar to a walrus smiles at the camera) You don’t need to send out a press release to think for yourself.
Jerry: (squinting) Is that Dr. Phil?
(Man in audience winks and points at camera then cowers in fear.)
Jerry: Get him outta here!
(Steve and 2 other security guards tussle with Phil, eventually wrenching him from his seat.)
Dr. Phil: You don’t need zilch to skin a gopher! You don’t need to join a bank to rob the Jehovah’s Witnesses! You don’t need Cat Scratch Fever to drop and give me twenty!*
Duane: (turns to Belial) Belial, I knew how much you loved to skateboard and I felt awful after the surgery. That’s the whole reason I’m carrying you around in this basket and unleashing you on these well-meaning doctors to devour them alive. You’re just going to have to accept that you’ll never skate again, I’m sorry.
Belial through Translator: You and your biped envy! That’s how it’s been throughout our entire relationship, Jerry. I haven’t cared about skating since the X-Games got ahold of it and turned it into some “Extreme” Mt.Dew corporate-sponsored monkey show with that troglodyte Shaun White as its ass-face.
Crowd: Booo! Booo!
Belial: You proved you’d leave me for some poon when you bought that crappy tube TV to distract me while you snuck off and went on a cheesy date to the Statue of Liberty with that receptionist, Sharon. “Ooh, let’s go walk up a million stairs and look at the city, just like we could have done at my hotel, except with an elevator. What part of the body do you think we’re in now, heh heh?” Perv.
Duane: See what I have to put up with? A television is a really nice gift, especially in pre-Giuliani New York. I could have bought another kind of “set” from the guy on the corner and you wouldn’t have even noticed I’d left. (to audience) As it was, he destroyed the new TV and the hotel room in that creepy claymation stop-action way that he moves. That’s why we can’t have nice things. (takes off shoe and bounces it off of Belial’s bloated body)
Belial: Whatever! You’re no nice guy. Why don’t you tell them about how you dragged me to the bar to meet up with your “friend” the prostitute and proceeded to get sloppy drunk, forgetting me in the hallway once we got home?
Duane: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Belial: It’s true!
Jerry: We’ve got someone here who might have something to add. Bring out…Casey!
(Casey walks onstage blowing kisses and flipping her skirt up coyly. Duane and Belial continue bickering in the background.)
Jerry: Casey, you are… (reads cards) … an employee of “Disease-Free Guaranteed” or DFG Escorts, is that right?
Casey: That’s right, Jerry. We supply every customer with 3 clean certificates of health for their records. Our company is currently at 250 days with no lawsuits or accidents.
Jerry: And what did you want to tell Belial today?
Casey: Jerry, today I want to tell him…
Jerry: Talk to Belial. Talk to him.
Casey: Belial… I’ve loved you for a long time…
(Belial blinks in shock. His mouth hangs open, revealing malformed fangs.)
Casey: Duane, when we met at the bar and you got so wasted I had to carry you home, I thought it was no big deal. But then when I went to leave and found your brother left in the hall to fend on his own inside that flimsy wicker basket, well, I knew you just don’t care about him. But I do.
(Casey smiles at Belial who shifts uncomfortably in his seat.)
Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!
Duane: (shocked and disbelieving) Casey this is crazy. All he does is scream and throw things around. When he gets scared he hides in the toilet. Plus he has to eat raw meat everyday. Are you willing to take on these extra costs?
Casey: I love him for his mind Duane. I don’t care about anything else.
Jerry: Belial, what do you have to say about this?
Belial: I guess I need to tell you both something.
(Crowd starts to whisper.)
Belial: I slept with Sharon the receptionist.
Belial: And then I strangled her.
Belial: And then I kept screwing her after she was dead.
(Audience member vomits into aisle.)
Duane: (dazed) You mean that wasn’t a dream? I was running through the streets of New York naked and then found you at Sharon’s apartment rocking back-and-forth over her dead corpse in a pool of her blood? That was real?
Belial: Well, the running through the streets part naked was a dream. I have no idea why that even got any airtime except maybe to show off your huge 1980s bush. Thank god for manscaping.
Belial: (clears throat) But yeah, the sex and the death. That stuff was real.
Duane: But you don’t even have…
Casey: (through tears) Yes he does! (disintegrates into sobbing mess)
(Man in purple suit storms onstage.)
Pimp: That it, bitch. Get goin’. Nino Brown want to see you in 30 minutes anyway and you gotsta take a bath first. Wash yo ass.
(Casey is led offstage to catcalls and a flying pair of boxer briefs. Steve picks up the underwear, reads the name and number inscribed upon them and stuffs them in his back pocket.)
Camera pans back to Jerry shotgunning a Coors Light. He belches.
Jerry: Eye of the Tiger baby. What? What’s going on?
Duane: You whore!
Belial: You’re a simpering pansy! You wouldn’t have tried it with either of them. You can’t even lose your virginity when your next door neighbor is a prostitute who pays to get you hammered at a bar!
(Duane throws a chair at Belial. Belial rockets through the air and clasps his stumps around Duane’s neck. Duane unconvincingly wrestles him around the stage, attempting to make it look like an inanimate object is propelling their movement. Duane gives up and runs the both of them offstage. The crowd goes wild, slobbering and keening, trying to rip their own chairs out of the floor.)
Jerry: Okay, okay. Let’s settle down now. Where did Duane and Belial go?
(Switch to cameramen running through the back hallways of the Jerry Springer set. One runs upstairs, to the roof, and discovers Belial hanging off the Jerry Springer sign with Duane dangling from his stumpy claw. Duane is suspended by his neck.)
Cameraman: I got ‘em! I found them!
(Jerry runs up stairs to roof.)
Jerry: (peering over edge) What the [bleep]. (whirls around to face camera)
Jerry: (glances sideways) The actions taken by members of this program are not a reflection of News Corporation or its sister companies. Viewer discretion was advised. Do not try this at home…and…..uh…intended for mature audiences only.
(Belial loses his grip and both he and Duane plummet to their deaths on the cold pavement.)
Jerry: Please stay tuned for my final thought.
Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. Firstly, I realize this was an anticlimactic and abrupt end to the show. What can I say, it is just like the movie. In any event, I just want to thank all our guests for being here, and want to express my deepest condolences for Duane and Belial’s family and friends. It is a sad world where a somewhat normal young man can lose both his girlfriend and his life to a tumor with a face. I hope that you, audience, are able to work through your differences and find happiness, be it through the love of a man, a woman, a California Raisin or even to just purchase it for a few hours.
(Wild signaling from offstage.)
Jerry: (clears throat) Not that I condone prostitution. There are many fine gentlemen’s clubs around where a lonely fella can pay either an exotic dancer or a bartender to pretend to like him for as many hours as he has dollars. Amen and God bless America.
(Jerry walks offstage and Gary Busey hands him a Coors Light. They walk into the spotlight, silhouetted and fade out.)**
Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when Ghost Hunters Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson battle it out with Jennifer Love Hewitt over who has the douchiest ghost-related show on television. Tomorrow on Springer!
* These quotes were taken from http://www.mangydog.com/games/drphil.php which provides visitors with a random Dr. Phil quote generator. Thank you Mangy Dog!
** Are you interested in that stolid yet lovable friend of Jerry Springer’s, Gary Busey? Stay tuned until next week for an intoxicating review of his masterpiece, “Eye of the Tiger.”