Rental Rehab understands. You lost your job as the court reporter. You lost your husband to Annabella, the curvy blonde with the Vidal Sassoon hair. Somebody stole your Geo Metro while you made a call on the payphone. And you only had 2 more layaway payments to go! Love is definitely not lifting you up where you belong.
This is a key time for your imaginary friend from childhood to come bouncing back into your life. But is that British redhead in a green leprechaun suit really there to comfort you? Or are you just plain crazy? Take this test to find out.
First, begin recovery from the worst day of your life at your mother’s house. It is so comforting and not at all creepy that your old room has been frozen in time circa the year you were 8. This is despite the fact that this is the house you grew up in and so must have progressed through the entirety of high school in that very same room.
Don your Little House on the Prairie nightie and go looking for the Jack-in-the-box that housed Fred, your imaginary friend from childhood. In spite of the ominous masking tape wrapped multiple times ever so tightly around the box, wrench it open to see if the little Jack inside will magically morph into your friend.
If you willingly go looking for your imaginary friend and he doesn’t come to you first, put 1 point in the Crazy column.
Rental Rehab knows you probably weren’t always crazy. Maybe you were, like, überhot in high school and you accidentally walked in on a pirate masturbating to you. That would be pretty traumatizing.
No, he is not reading a book from The Onion.
So, you try to work through this trauma with your imaginary friend who would never think dirty thoughts about you while he milks the mongoose.
Now that you’re grown and once again playing “Pirates” with your imaginary friend….
Fred: Pirates! I love playing pirates!
Lizzie: Hi Fred.
L: Don’t touch anything. [Referring to the controls of the boat, which she is piloting.]
F: This is gonna be great! We’ll sail the 7 seas…
F: We’ll put on eyepatches…
F: We’ll cut off our legs and glue on wooden ones…
F: I can’t touch anything?
F: Oh. Ok.
F: I’ll just touch this one then.
L: No! No!
F: Okay, I won’t touch that one. Pause. I’ll touch this one.
L: Fred! Nothing!
F: It’s okay. I am the pirate that touches nothing.
L: That’s right
F: Except this one. Whoa! Uh oh.
L: What did you touch?
F: Nothing. I didn’t touch anything. Just the little red one. It doesn’t do anything.
… you’ve sunk your best friend’s houseboat. A crazy person might devise a way to fix the situation. But if you have an imaginary friend, you can just pin it on him. It is likely you don’t care about anyone’s psyche but your own anyway, so arrive unexpectedly at your friend’s job to tell her that her home and possessions have been lost forever. Make sure you adamantly maintain your imaginary friend did it. If you have the good luck to have Carrie Fisher as your best friend, try to score some coke on the way over. It’ll make her more agitated later, but it’ll make her glad to see you to start.
Add 1 point to the Imaginary Friend list if you blatantly ruin other people’s possessions and expect no repercussions.
When your mother drags you to the psychiatrist to get anti-psychotic pills, don’t be nervous. See, the doctor has these special green pills that erase only the part of your brain that thinks up the imaginary friend. Normally, this would be called a L-O-B-O-T-O-M-Y. But since this is a PG-13 movie, you’ll just get some random green pills.
If the nice doctor won’t let you leave the premises without swallowing some medication, add 1 point to the Crazy column.
After all this, why don’t you try getting back together with your sleazy husband? Yeah. You must look much more appealing now that you’ve visited the nuthouse and live with your mother.
If the voices in your head start telling you to do things like “the laundry” or “vacuum” then put 1 point in the You’re Married column and just get used to it.
If your husband drives a red Ferrari and puts mousse in his hair then put 1 point in the Stupid column.
At some point before he entirely disappears from your fevered brain, your imaginary friend will try to teach you a life lesson. Try to avoid confronting your demons as much as you can because sister, if you haven’t dealt with them now, ain’t no grown man in a leprechaun suit going to help you.
To learn your lesson you will get dragged into an alternate universe. Try to learn the lesson quickly so you can leave. If you have an imaginary friend then you will be stuck in a time-space continuum and nobody will even know you are gone. If you are crazy then you better snap out of it quick because you’re probably rocking back and forth on some bus seat somewhere and scaring the shit out of me.
Now, tally up all your points and see where you stand. If it turns out you have an imaginary friend then congratulations, you are in good company.
You can soon watch an entire remake of Drop Dead Fred starring Russell Brand as the crazy Brit.
If you’re crazy then we send our condolences. You’re in less good company, but at least he’s hotter.
Rental Rehab review written by Kelli.