2 Rogue Cops for the Price of 1! Tango & Cash Review

Tango & Cash With Sly Stallone Before Expendables

The sexual tension is killing me.

Editor’s note: The following is written in anticipation of The Expendables, opening Aug. 13 in theaters across the United States. Rental Rehab will count-down to this sure-to-be momentous occasion in action film mediocrity with a look back at some of earlier work of The Expendables key stars. Today’s review revisits Sylvester Stallone’s nuanced performance in the 1989 mismatched buddy cop comedy action thriller Tango & Cash.

Billy Mays Informercial Pitchman

Too soon?

Are you SICK to death of policemen who are more concerned with following PROTOCOL than they are with kicking some righteous bad guy ass at any cost?

Got a CRAVING for more pun-y gay panic jokes than you can shake a stick at?

Are you FRUSTRATED by cops who “think before they shoot” and are familiar with “the Miranda rights” or have heard of the “5th amendment”??!!

If you ACT NOW, you can order a state-of-the-art, gently used L.A. cop who plays by his OWN SET OF RULES. And if you CALL TODAY, you’ll get a second loose-cannon cop, FOR FREE!

That’s right; ONE low price and you get two, TWO free-wheeling policemen with no regard for the  consequences of discharging a lethal weapon into a speeding semi truck transporting flammable liquids or driving a civilian’s sedan through a parking garage at 75 miles an hour.

These aren’t just your garden variety, weepy “I’m a down-on-my-luck, alcoholic, boo hoo, I don’t care if I die I live on a boat, sniffle, sniffle” rogue enforcers of the law. Each officer is carefully handcrafted to reflect the polar opposite of his set’s match.

Sylvester Stallone in Tango and Cash

Totally secure in my manhood.

Tango is a polished stockbroker with an impeccable style, a chiseled physique, a perfect shot and a refined sense of humor; he’s got plenty of dough, he’s just in it for the action (wink).

Kurt Russell in Tango & Cash

It's Salon Selectives. Thanks for noticing.

Cash is a scruffy blue-collar cop’s cop with a fluffy mullet, a wardrobe of stained T-shirts with ripped-off sleeves and an appealing, utterly unselfconscious swagger; a glory-hound hotdog.

Together, these two mismatched rival cops form the perfect set. Watch them as they bicker and make up and tease and cooperate and argue and flirt! You’ll never get tired of watching these two star-crossed lovers as they eke away at one another’s tough exteriors to reveal the true passion within.

If you call in the next 20 minutes, you’ll get not only a Tango & a Cash, but we’ll even throw in a pre-Desperate Housewives Teri Hatcher as a futuristic dancer/drummer with a Blossom hat and a slightly questionable relationship with her brother, Tango.

Chop Slap Infomercial Pitchman

You're gonna love their nuts.

But that’s not ALL! We’ll also throw in:

  • Ill-advised self-referential banter. (Cop: “He thinks he’s Rambo.” Tango: “Rambo is a pussy.”)
  • A pre-City Slickers Jack Palance chewing away on the scenery as the mischievous drug lord Perret, a villain who knows that it’s better to let his opponents escape certain death numerous times than to simply dispense of them in the quickest, most efficient manner possible.
Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell Tango & Cash

I told you; not now. I'm feeling bloated today.

  • A sexy, sudsy nude PRISON shower scene complete with full back shots of the romantic leads.
  • Easy-to-follow “dialogue” comprised of a surefire formula of 225 one-liners, 34 puns, 46 now-dated cultural references, 13 homoerotic overtures, 7 gay panic retractions, 58 flirtatious gestures and 3 ethnic slurs.
  • That one guy with the enormous face.
Robert Z'Dar Tango & Cash Face

A helluva lot of chin real estate.

2.5/4 stars, or just 4 EASY installments of $9.99 (plus shipping and handling). Act now, supplies limited since the mid-’90s.

Rental Rehab review by Tricia

2 1/2 out of 4 stars, or just 4 easy installments of $9.99 plus shipping and handling

1 Comment

Filed under Awesome Action, Loose Cannon Cop, So Bad It's Good

One response to “2 Rogue Cops for the Price of 1! Tango & Cash Review

  1. Pingback: Retooling a Classic Formula– The Last Boy Scout Review «

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