Letters of Note: “Okay You Crazy Bitch”
On January 22, 2001, Patrick Bateman sent the following expletive-filled fax to Morgan Freeman, Director of American Psycho 2 at movie studio Lions Gate Films. The irate yet thoughtful missive concerned the movie adaptation of Bateman’s novel, American Psycho 2, to which Freeman’s studio had acquired the rights. Up to this point, Freeman had been making a generic slasher movie with little motivation for his main character, Rachael, played by Mila Kunis. Bateman expresses his displeasure with the state of the film.
Note: This is a satirical letter written from the P.O.V. of Patrick Bateman, fictional lead in American Psycho, to American Psycho 2 director Morgan Freeman, in the style of Hunter S. Thompson. It is derived from a letter that Thompson wrote to Production Executive Holly Sorensen in regards to the movie adaptation of The Rum Diary.
02-17-2001 4:19 P.M.
February 16, 2001 12:59 P.M.
URGENT: PATRICK BATEMAN, NEW YORK CITY
MORGAN FREEMAN/Lions Gate Films/Hollywood/Jan 22 ‘01
Okay, you crazy bitch, I’m getting tired of this retarded fuckaround you’re doing with American Psycho 2.
It’s like you’re a Decrepit Homeless guy living in an alley. That’s how much ambition you have. It’s like the whole project got turned over to zombies who live in cardboard boxes under the Hollywood freeway. . . I seem to be the only person who is doing anything about getting this movie Made. I have rounded up Christian Bale, Chloë Sevigny, Reese Witherspoon, Justin Theroux, and a fine screenwriter named Bret Easton Ellis, who is a very smart boy & has so far been a pleasure to talk to & conspire with. . .
So there’s yr fucking Script & all you have to do now is act like a professional & Pay him. What the hell do you think Making a Movie is all about? Nobody needs to hear any more of that Gibberish about yr. New Mercedes & yr. Ski Trips & how Hopelessly Difficult it is to get Mila Kunis to emote. . . yr. a laugh riot. My Watch costs more than your Mercedes. If Mila Kunis is that fucking Awful you should replace her. And try to find someone with a slightly better voice. That nasal whine is Nauseating.
The Movie Business is no place for Dilettantes who don’t want to do anything but “take lunch” at Dorsia & Waste serious people’s Time. I BET YOU CAN’T EVEN GET A RESERVATION AT DORSIA!
Fuck this. I’ve assessed the situation and we’re changing it. We have a good writer, we have the main parts casted & we have a very marketable movie that will not even be Hard to make. . . Your soundtrack stinks. You changed the plot line and now it is Predictable and Derivative. And William Shatner! That joke just stands around tweeting abt. Leonard Nimoy. He is a goddamn liability.
Shit on him. You could Learn a little from the brilliant Phil Collins of Genesis fame. Do you like Phil Collins? I’ve been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I considered their work Too artsy, Too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins’ presence became more apparent. Invisible Touch was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums.
You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of Abusive Political Authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I’ve heard in rock. Phil Collins’ solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way.
Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite. But I digress. Don’t want to Confuse your reptilian brain with the Amateur shit you’re pulling and the best, most powerful band in existence. Just cough up the Option & I’ll talk to somebody else. The only thing You’re going to get by quitting & curling up in a Fetal position is relentless Grief and Embarrassment. And the one thing you won’t have is Fun. . .
Okay. That’s my Outburst for Today. I have to go do something more important than talk with you, like, Return some Videotapes. And if you don’t Do Something QUICK you’re going to Lose your Spleen. You’re a dickweed. You’re a tumbling, tumbling dickweed. You’re a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.
Written by Kelli