(1 begrudging star out of 4)
Tricia: The most unsettling detail first revealed in The Human Centipede–and no, I don’t mean the cadaver-looking villainous doctor with an accent–is that the title card comes with a subhead indicating that this is the first installation in the story. And don’t you think The Human Centipede: First Segment would have been a bit more apt than First Sequence? It’s the little details that count.
Kelli: Agreed. Like naming the hotel at which our heroines are staying, “Hotel.”
T: Ah yes, the illustrious “Hotel” in Germany.
K: However, director (and writer, and producer) Tom Six did get the big things right: two nubile twentysomethings, lost in a foreign country, (un)dressed to go to the club, get a flat tire on a deserted forest road, in the dark, while it is raining. Check, check, check these off in your Complete Idiot’s Guide to Spoon-Feeding Your Audience. I did imagine there was a quick nod to A Clockwork Orange in the scene where they stumble toward their demise at the doctor’s home (HOME), all lit up in the desolate night, but in retrospect, I withdraw the suggestion.
T: That’s funny, because I was going to say the entire thing was a nod to Freud’s 2nd stage of psycho-sexual development, the one about all things anal. But, I digress. Let’s talk about the introduction of the evil plan, shall we? I mean, that was the monologue to end all monologues – complete with visual elements! What did you think?
K: I thought it was wonderful. Brought me right back to 6th grade when the teachers used those scintillating overhead projector illustrations. I must say, it would have been difficult to conceptualize his evil plan without those stick figure drawings.
T: It was well crafted, indeed, but could have benefited from a PowerPoint format. I like when mad scientists are allowed to use a remote clicker to take us through the various ways in which they imagine themselves as God.
K: True enough, but I wish he had eaten a big plate of Prozac before he started. Talk about your frozen corpse-face! I hate public speaking too, though.
T: I have to say, he did look fabulous in that designer lab coat with the cinched waist. That’s a European for you…always fashion forward!
K: It didn’t really seem to sway his audience much. They didn’t seem to like much of anything he offered them. In fact, their acting range was a bit limited. What do you suppose our heroines’ credentials are?
T: Oh, if I had to guess, I would say Girls Gone Wild 4: Cancun Cans and Svedka shot girl at the Columbus TGIFridays, respectively. So it’s probably fortunate that they spend the bulk of the film unconscious or with their heads literally up one another’s asses.
K: So he gets a “B+” for the presentation, but the motivation behind the plan was a bit muddled.
T: I’ll say. The doctor says he dislikes humans, yet he literally joins three of them together to live in his house as his pet. “I don’t like humans…I LOVE them!”
K: Not to mention, he’s about as good at matching things as Glenn Beck is at maintaining his composure.
T: One can imagine young Dieter in Kindergarten: “Let’s see; circle, square, elephant. Nein, nein. Let me start again…”
K: I’ll give him the two girls — they are similar ages and both have dark hair, seem to be of Caucasian descent — but attaching them to a Japanese man?
T: “…Purple, blue, refrigerator!…Shiza!”
K: I would rather have seen the trucker that the doctor picked up on the side of the road attached as the head. Maybe it would have been more like Black Dog with Patrick Swayze: It’s your job to deliver the load whether you like it or not. But be a courteous driver. “The rules of the road are simple. No passing, no tailgating and no turning back.” And no more buckets of fried chicken.
T: Heh – Speaking of shiza, perhaps it’s time we talk about what this film was really about, cause I sure as shit never saw anything that came close to resembling a human centipede.
K: Right. He should have tried connecting them at the elbow. Then they could have been a human paper doll.
T: Yes! I really think that would have been a lot less messy and carried less risk of sepsis. Because for being a world-class surgeon specializing in separating Siamese twins, he is really shitty at his job.
K: You know, once the surgery was over, the movie started to drag on, slow as shit. What’s your take on this crap?
T: Agreed. It’s like they were straining to squeeze as much out of this paltry bullshit “story” as they could. OK. Let me cut the fecal matter; this movie is obviously an attempt at German shiza film by a man who was too scared to make an actual porn about women being shat upon.
K: This movie was definitely made so that certain fetishists could cultivate their masturbation ritual.
T: Absolutely. This is very specific fodder for people who like adult diapers, excrement in orifices where they don’t belong and, I guess monologues? But at least there was that show-down between Kenny Rogers and the Crypt Keeper. That had to be good for something, right?
K: Totally. It made me happy to see the police officers in Germany depicted with long, flowing hair and squeezed into black leather. At least Tom Six got something right. It’s those little things that count.
Rental Rehab review by Kelli and Tricia