“It was supposed to be a fun, end-of-semester pub crawl” said Tri Delta sorority sister Gwen Hankings. “But instead I ended up having to fend off this living corpse.”
“It totally sucked,” added Joelle Hegerty, also a Tri-Delt.
As the annual Delta Delta Delta sorority pub crawl kicked off at 1 p.m. on Friday, “Boggy” the Bog Body staggered into McConnell’s Pub in Dublin, witnesses recall.
“Then he kind of fell into the counter and the bartender told him he was cut off,” witness Marilyn Kaye told Dublin police. “The bartender handed him a bottle of water, which he just bit into, like an apple or something.”
Hegerty tried to reason with him, explaining that this was a closed crawl. “But he just kept making those guttural moaning noises, like most re-animated bodies” Kaye recalled. “Then the bartender told him that he couldn’t be in here without any shoes on, so he shuffled out. We thought we were rid of him.”
He disappeared, only to rejoin the group at Tilly’s Tipple. This time, he had on a pair of brown furry moccasin-type slippers. Sources now confirm that Boggy accosted two brown poodles that he found tied up on the side of the road and fashioned a pair of shoes out of their pelts.
“DIY shoes are so last season” Hankings said. “Yeah. Hell, I’ve got a knock-off pair of Uggs that look better than those horrors” added Hegerty. “At least he wasn’t wearing Crocs.”
As the festivities continued, the Tri-Delts acquiesced and attempted to befriend their 2,000 year old tag-along.
“I thought he was complimenting me on my car,” Dave Peirce, Kaye’s boyfriend, a Sigma Epsilon, said of his interaction with the bog body. “He kept looking in the windows and touching it and stuff. I normally give people crap for touching my car but I was trying to be nice.”
Boggy proceeded to investigate the car with a long tree limb found on the ground. After several fruitless attempts to halt Boggy’s progress, Peirce eventually gave up and let the corpse attack the car with his weapon. After 20 minutes of Neanderthal-like behavior, Boggy gained entrance to the vehicle through the window and lodged himself behind the steering wheel. Apparently satisfied, Boggy honked the horn a few times and exited.
“He kept bragging about how he was from the Bronze Age” Peirce said. “But he was acting like a caveman. Didn’t they have a stratified society then? I think I learned in class that they had weapons and festivals based around a lunar calendar, and even vocations like poets. Boggy seemed a little anachronistic if you ask me.”
“Plus he was a dick” added Kaye.
After a few more failed attempts at friendship on the part of the Tri-Delts, a brawl broke out between Boggy and Peirce’s frat brothers.
“The girls started calling the brothers, saying there was a 2,000-year-old creep trying to get them to go back to the bogs and hang out at his ‘cabin.’ It was probably some grody trailer,” Peirce posited.
Boggy fled the scene after a short sparring session with the Sigma Epsilons.
“He was shouting something about eternal retribution and come-uppance, but I think he was all talk,” Peirce said. “We’ll see what happens next weekend when I go up to the bogs for my hunting trip with my trail guide, Hunter.”
– Written by Kelli