March 12, 2011 – Three Rivers, Penn. – After attending the 15-year reunion for Liberty High School’s class of ’96 in the high school’s gymnasium, Angela Chase is said to be harboring serious misgivings about the torch she has carried for Jordan Catalano for nearly two decades.
“I haven’t seen Jordan Catalano much since graduation,” said Chase, who has enjoyed moderate success as an author since moving to New York City after achieving high honors at Yale. “I guess I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking about this night and talking to my therapist about it every day for the last 15 years. Like, literally.”
“Of course, when I first bumped into him tonight, over there, leaning against the catering table, my heart, like, stopped for a minute and my stomach, like, swallowed itself up as if maybe this whole thing was never even real to begin with and we’re all just stumbling towards the same goal, with like, nothing to win,” Chase said, scrunching up her face and moving her head back and forth in such a way as to convey a sense of what sources described as angst.
“But then I was a bit taken aback by the way he kept taking Visine out of the pocket of his oversized flannel shirt and fussing with his eyes that I kind of lost track of what I wanted to say to him. I got so flustered that I actually sought out Sharon Cherski to ask how her Scrunchie Etsy shop is doing.”
Attendees at the event said Chase could be seen throughout the evening alternately staring at Catalano, grimacing at Catalano, talking about Catalano and hiding her head under her sweater to gaze mournfully at her navel.
“Our first conversation of the night went, like, OK,” said Chase, whose collection of introspective essays about the search for one’s true identity and the inarguable lure of boys who drive red cars and sing in local bands is currently ranked No. 52 on Amazon’s Earnest Non-fiction list. “But I noticed after the initial euphoria wore off that he wasn’t really contributing much in the way of words, just kind of grunting. Then he said something about how weird it was because it didn’t really feel like September of 2010, that it felt more like January in 2009. That was…unsettling.”
Catalano, who could be seen throughout the evening leaning against the bar, a wall, several tables and a urinal, said he was pleased to “chill” with Chase “or whatever.”
“It’s cool that Angela Chase came back for this,” Catalano said before pausing to watch an ant slowly make its way across a cement retaining wall against which he was leaning. Sources later indicated that Catalano had arrived for the much-anticipated reunion 23 hours early owing to a mix-up in which he thought his band Frozen Embryos would be playing a reunion show for librarians.
Chase, who has never been married but has seriously dated three men since college, said she began to question her longtime fixation on Catalano after he showed her an “excruciating” 13+ minute video for his rock band on her iPhone, which he then tried to use as an opener for a bottle of beer with a twist-off cap.
“It’s not that Jordan Catalano isn’t, like, good looking. But I guess I was remembering his blue eyes as being more ‘soulful’ and less ‘completely void of any personality or active brain waves what-so-ever’.” Chase said, squinting her eyes to watch Catalano across the gym, attempting to strike up a conversation with a cardboard cutout of class valedictorian and successful Silicon Valley CEO Brian Krakow.
“I mean, Jesus Christ, I essentially drove away my fiancée—who is a cardiac pediatrician fluent in six languages and a member of Doctors Without Borders, mind you—because I subconsciously still believed that Jordan Catalano and I belon—. Oh my god, did I just see him eat a quarter?” Chase then excused herself to phone her therapist.
“It would probably be pretty cool to try dating Angela Chase again. I even wrote a song for her. ‘She’s a girl that I once boned, and a place that I call home, yeah, yeah, yeah…’” Catalano said, breaking into momentary song before catching his own reflection in a spoon and trailing off. “I mean, like, I guess or something.”
“Ahhh. Angela Chase. I remember her very well. Smart young woman as I recall,” said Ms. Chavatal, one of Chase’s former instructors who was reached by phone for comment. “Is she still going on about Jordan Catalano then? Self-involved little bitch.”
When last seen, Chase was heard expressing guilt over minimizing Rayanne Graff and Rickie Vasquez’s exceptionally more engaging if one-dimensional familial and social difficulties for her own compulsion to analyze “each and every fucking one of Catalano’s nonexistent thoughts.” Sources have confirmed that Chase is holding firm on the popular position that her mother, Patty Chase, is a dried-up sanctimonious shrew who still “totally doesn’t understand.”